Do you want to have a cocktail?

I made a video. Just for fun. It’s about connection. It’s about mothers helping other mothers.  It’s also about drinking. But mostly its about the human need for social interaction and the isolation stay at home moms sometimes feel. And drinking.

Take a look.

Enjoy it.

Share it.

Let’s talk about sex, baby…

 sex-written-on-blackboard

And by baby I am referring to my actual baby. She is 11.  I think she read somewhere that she is supposed to ask sexual questions every night at bedtime.  Mother daughter bonding or something.

So it starts with ..”Mom,  will you sit with me for a minute?” I’m not gonna lie…most of the time I really want to say no. I mean it’s 9:30pm and I’m ready for some deep conversations with my wine glass. 😉 But I sit down anyway and take a deep breath.

“Mom, where else do people have sex besides the bed?”

“Mom, do you have sex in the shower?”

“Mom, do you have a baby every time you have sex?”

“Mom, are your boobs part of your body or will they fall off when you bend over?”

What? That last one I feel like was just a stall tactic to keep me in her room longer.  But I answer every question. She’s 11 and these are things she wants to know.  And those questions seemed pretty tame. I want my kids to feel comfortable talking to me….even if I don’t feel comfortable talking with them. lol

I do have boundaries though. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but it bothers me to see so much sexual content out and about in public places.  This isn’t about putting parental controls on my tv or internet. These are things we see in our neighborhood. I wish advertisers considered themselves part of that village that it takes to raise a child.

If I had a dollar for every time I saw sex written or overly insinuated on billboards etc while driving my kids to school…I’d have at least $10. (That didn’t have the impact I had hoped for, but 10 times on a 10 minute drive, that’s ridiculous.)

When my 9 year old said he knew the movie Sex Tape was about having sex, I asked him how he even knew about sex..his response, “Mom, when you have been around as long as I have, you start to know things.”  Out of the mouths of babes.

He didn’t need to know about sex just yet. And he certainly didn’t need to know that people video tape it. That’s for later, when he is married and trying to “keep the fire alive.”  Luckily, he did not ask a question so I did not go further with that particular  conversation. 

BulletDodge

Kids see sex without even trying. What happened to the good old days where you had to see sexy things by sneaking into your friend’s parents room and look under the bed to find a Playboy or convince a babysitter that you were allowed to watch Blue Lagoon on HBO while your parents were out.  (yes dated references, but you knew them, didn’t you?)

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Some parents like to get started early. I know people who lay it all out there when their children are 6 and 7.  I wonder if that works. Some of it is still a bit confusing at 43, so how is a child processing that?

Recently the term 69 was brought up with a few 5th graders. Some parents are of the philosophy that when a question is asked, you answer it completely, no holds barred.

I am of the philosophy that you pretend that someone is calling you and you have to go.

No, not really.  My philosophy is that you give an answer that best fits the age group.  There are some images a kid brain does not need to have. It’s a sex thing and leave it at that.  When I was 10, 69 was just another odd number. Besides, I don’t care what you say about keeping it in the family.  That kid has some interesting information and she wants to share it. And share it she did. 

I don’t want to have lots of graphic sex conversations with my elementary school aged children. (Truth be told, any age children.) “Hey kids, forget the movie night, mommy is going to pop some popcorn and we can all settle in for a night of explicit discussions regarding sexual positions and why people video them.”

child_eating_popcorn

And for the record, I am by no means a prude. As a matter of fact, within my circle of friends, I’m the girl that makes everything seem like a sexual innuendo. It’s my thing and I’m good with it. (That’s what he said!)

I don’t mind answering questions, but I am more prepared for PG than R. I just feel like some of the questions that come up now aren’t because their brains are ready for it, but because they were exposed to it accidently.  In those situations, less is more.  Anywho, I was just sitting here thinking about all this and thought I’d share.

Feel free to do the same. xo

 

 

 

Just the tip!

Let’s play a game. 😉 Why are you looking at me like that? Have you heard of it? Well, let me tell you how it works.

I will give you a tip and then you give me a tip. It will be fun! But it’s not a game you can play alone. So are you in? Come on…it’s just a tip. I will only love you more.

I’ll start and give you a few I’ve heard lately.

tips

1. Keep flossers in your car. Then when you are driving kids around town, you can pass them out and make them floss! (It also comes in handy when you had spinach for lunch!)

flosser

2. Kid always rolling out of bed? Line up a pool noodle with the edge of the bed and under the fitted sheet!

pool noodle

3. Want apples for your kid’s lunch, but hate the browning? Cut the apple and then put it back together with a rubberband!

apple

4. Crazy coughing at night? Put Vick’s Vapor Rub on their feet, cover with socks…. a little more on the chest and they are off to Dreamland… uninterrupted!

feet

5. Easily peel your banana! Find the end of the banana opposite from the stem. Pinch and twist. Then you can peel your banana and uh take a bite!

banana-peeling3

Ok! It’s your turn! Leave a tip! Don’t be scared.

It’s just a tip.

Riding the break!

 

That’s not a typo. I’m not talking about car brakes. I’m talking about a break from parenthood. A break from responsibility. A break from that 24/7 unpaid job we all agreed to do. A break that every mom deserves. Yes, you do. Don’t argue with me, I said you do!

Hey, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

No laundry. No carpool. No lunches to make.  Just me myself and I…and a few friends. Sleeping in. Movies. Room Service. Dinners out. A photo shoot. Champagne blow outs. lol Did I throw you with that? Hey if you are going to make the time to take a break…you need to make it count!

Here are a few tips when taking a break.

1.Take enough time.

mommy-timeout

SO many times, I try to plan a weekend getaway but I want to make sure that the kids are fed, and the laundry is done and the meals are pre-planned, and loveys are folded neatly on the beds…FORGET IT! By the time you get everything ready to go, you’ve given up half a day or more! To make sure we had enough time on our trip to NYC, we took a red eye flight. Granted we did not sleep well but we also had the great idea of going straight to the spa when we arrived. Pampering began immediately and that red eye was a distant memory.  If you only have a weekend or even a night, stay some what local or within a 2-3 hour radius and GET AWAY EARLY AND SPEND THE NIGHT! A glorious night of uninterrupted sleep is worth more than any pampering session!

2. Send in reinforcements.

Incoming-reinforcements-graphic

I always try to have my inlaws come in to stay if I am going away for more than a few days without my husband. My mother in law loves to take care of her baby (my husband) as well as the grandkids. If you don’t have that option, use other family members or friends to farm out your kids or run carpool for you. If you have the cash, hire a babysitter to help out your spouse. You want it to be an enjoyable experience for him too so he is open to another girls’ getaway. 😉

3. Be flexible.

flexible

I’m gonna kick my heels up regardless!

We had all kinds of plans when we hit New York, but the weather and a bout of food poisoning had us scrapping lots of ideas and regrouping. Aside from our friend who was ill most of the day, it wasn’t bad hanging out in the room watching movies and talking. It’s good to have a plan but be ready to just go with the flow.

4. Pamper yourself!

nail art

We planned this trip far in advance so I made sure there was money in the budget to do some really fun things. But pampering can be something as inexpensive as a $20 foot massage or $30 blow dry with free champagne!

5. Do something different!

For this trip, we booked an awesome new company called Flytographer.  You get your very own photographer in the city you are visiting. You can have professional photographs taken of you and your friends having fun in the city! They have photographers all over the world!They can be candid or more posed. It’s lots of fun and you have great mementos of the trip!

http://www.flytographer.com

   PicMonkey Collage nyc

So let’s recap:

A break. You need it. Take it. Fun and flexible….like Olivia Newton John.

I don’t wear an Apron…but when I do, it’s Blue.

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Anyone that knows me, knows that dinner and I have been arch enemies since the kids stopped drinking formula. (you heard me.) You will never hear me say- I just threw this together. Even with the recipe, my food tends to come out boring.  I spend a lot of time worrying about what’s for dinner.

Ok, let me rephrase.

I spend the hour before dinner worrying about what’s for dinner. I hate cooking. I also hate feeding my kids processed food. You can see my dilemma here. I have tried to find healthy recipes online but my kids don’t seem to go for it. They turn out bland.

chicken on a plate

whiner, whiner, chicken dinner…

Dinner was kicking my ass and I was tired of it.

That’s when Blue Apron swooped in to save the day.

Blue Apron is my hero. They deliver healthy delicious recipes every week to me with all the ingredients. No more substituting oregano for parsley…no more winging it when I don’t have an onion.

(However, you can still accidently add 2 TBL of oil insead of 2 tsp. Not that I have or anything. I’m just saying.)

 Every Tuesday my ingredients for my three meals are delivered to me in nice neat little packages.

Blue-Apron-Gift2

All I have to do is chop it up, mix it, bake it, and serve it. Now that is actually very time consuming. I have minced garlic and smashed into a paste too many times to count over the past month, but it’s worth it.

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“paste making” the non professional way

I am used to dialing for dinner or microwaving. A red onion was considered an exotic food in my household. But now, I’m cooking with dried hops flowers, mint, lemongrass, kumquats!

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Prepackaged = post fabulous!

And the most miraculous thing is happening. My kids are eating it!

I AM NOW THE GREATEST MOM THAT EVER LIVED!

burnt cookies

If only Blue Apron did dessert.

 

I didn’t need a red cape to feel like a superhero…I just needed the Blue Apron. ( Of course, the black boots are still a no brainer.)

http://www.blueparon.com

 

 

 

There’s an elephant in the room and she has swollen lips….

elephant-in-the-room-audialtempartem

Here’s a confession that is hard to admit:

I had work done.

I admit it. I’ll also admit that it’s taking everything I have not to type a million little disclaimers like “I don’t do it regularly” and “it’s only because my friend gives me a discount”…blah blah blah.  Why is it that those of us who get a little “freshen up” seem to feel like we have to hide it? For me, I think I feel like by admitting that, it takes away any credit for “natural beauty” I may have. But who is taking away that credit? Probably other women. Other women also getting work done. 😉

I got some botox and filler put in my face/lips two days ago. No one would ever know about the botox, but due to the filler, my lips swelled up to the size of Mushmouth from Fat Albert. I could barely talk.

This morning I had traffic duty for my kids’ school. Trying not to talk, for me, is already an almost impossible feat….throw in the intoxication of authority (Traffic Duty,) and I’m a goner. I had actually made it through the entire carpool process with barely a face to face interaction…and then 2 moms had questions. For me! What’s crazy is that these are two moms I am friends with. We’ve shared wine together and war stories of parenthood. I know that at least one of them also gets work done. At least one of them also does that Brazilian hair straightening thing. And yet, I admitted nothing.  Nothing when every word I said regardless of how it was spelled, seemed to start with the letter B. Nothing when their eyes dropped to my lips multiple times.  The entire time, my head is screaming:

“For the love of God, just say something! Just get it out there! They see it! This elephant cannot be hidden!”

I didn’t though.  Instead I never looked them in the eye and tried to keep my head to one side as if only seeing half of my face would somehow hide the truth.

I HAD WORK DONE!

I walked away from that encounter with a need to scream it from the roof tops. I HAD WORK DONE! (of course everyone already knows. I’m not fooling anyone when my lips get to the destination a good 2 minutes before the rest of me.)  That’s why I wanted to shout it. It’s no big deal!

Don’t worry. The swelling will go down. It’s already starting to, see?

lips

And in two more days no one will even notice that I did anything at all. Except for the fact that I am writing about it here. But when the swelling goes down, I hope the lesson I’ve learned will remain. What’s the lesson?

Don’t have traffic duty the day after you have work done.

No, that’s not right. The lesson is:

Don’t feel shame for doing things that make you feel better about yourself.

And definitely don’t ignore the massive swollen elephant in the room because you aren’t actually “saving face.”  Embrace it.

Disclaimer: I am not consistent with my botox etc. I only get the filler to decrease mouth lines. My good friend gives me a discount. I still have natural beauty. I’m not that old.

Disclaimer #2: The first disclaimer shouldn’t even matter. And yet I still want to have it in here. Damn.

Pretty Little Liars

I was awoken one recent Saturday morning by a 7 year old boy in tiny underwear.  “Mom,  I have an upset tummy. I saved it for you if you want to see.”  Not on the weekend buddy. Never on a weekend.

You may be asking “What the hell? Gross.” Let me explain. My kids lie. They lie to get out of going to school. They lie to get out of trouble. They lie for fun.  It’s a problem. So much so that I must have a “visual” if anyone is claiming to be sick.

Ferris Bueller's fake out

It’s been a problem since the kids were very young. When my daughter was 3, she bit herself and then blamed her 1 year old brother.  When my son was 5, he carved his name in my husband’s leather chair and said he didn’t. Hey, I said they were good liars, not geniuses.

hayden chair

The lies can be creative, detailed and unneccesary: “I brought a pet Lizard back from Mexico. I hid him in my backpack on the plane. His name is Fred and he likes to roam the house free.”

Or conniving: “Mom, I just found some extra Christmas money! (It’s July) So I’m going to buy some apps. It’s my money, so it’s my choice.”

Is this a phase? Am I kidding myself thinking they will grow out of this? Does a phase last 3,4,6 years?   Will my kids become con artists?  A dirty rotten scoundrel?  Either boy could play a great Ruprecht.

dirty rotten scoundrel

Time will tell. I guess for now, I will  insist on “visuals” when sick, require 2 forms of proof when hearing any story and ask very specific questions regarding showers: Did you wash your hair? Your armpits? Did actual soap touch your skin?

Maybe they will channel all that creativity into something profitable…and honest. In the words of Justin Bieber…(yes I see the irony) NEVER SAY NEVER.

never say never

Who else has pretty little liars?

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Word to your mother

There are certain words I don’t like to hear people say …..like pantyhose and moist. (even worse when they are in the same sentence) And then there are words that I don’t like to hear from my children. Like shut up, butt, fart, and suck. I say two of those words myself (maybe 3), but an adult mouth is different than a kid mouth. Right?

My kids are good kids. They are polite and respectful (not to me of course….. but others tell me it’s true.) So who cares if a few iffy words are said? I do!  IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I have tried to ban them, but like Mike, my “bad boy” boyfriend from 8th grade —- banning only makes it more appealing.

  joe dirt 4 edit   colin ferrell kiss

When I was growing up, we were not allowed to say butt or crap. I can’t really remember what happened to us if we said it but I remember that it was bad. Good kids had clean mouths. lol Or maybe I should say bad kids had clean mouths because they were constantly washed out with soap.  Ironic Disclaimer: My mom now takes great joy in saying words considered far worse than butt.

profanity

That’s it, isn’t it?  Taboo things are fun.  Maybe my kids get the same euphoria and power from butt and suck that I do with my own 4 letter friends. I don’t know.

Crap.  How will this tie into underage drinking and sex? Parenting through the teenage years is going to suck. Suck ass. (Shut up.)

I Can’t Rage Against the Machine

As I sit here on day 5 of a 7 day school break, I start to ask myself certain questions. Like- Is it wrong to drink before noon if you’ve been cooped up with kids for 5 days? Am I a bad mom if I stop fighting the electronic obsession that all 3 of my kids have? How many days can the kids go without bathing before it is considered neglect? So many questions. But let’s get back to the electronics one. Seriously. Obsession does not even come close to the right word. Addiction.

drugs of choice

My kid starts jonesing as soon as his eyes open. I can find him under his sheets pretty much every morning mesmerized by the creative world he has built in Minecraft.

haydenbed

All three of my kids are Animal Jam junkies, but it’s National Geographic so it’s ok, right? Remember when the kids were babies and you would put them in front of Baby Einstein videos and think- this is good because it’s educational. Then you’d read all the backlash of how it causes ADD or some shit like that? I just wanted to take a shower and now I’ve given my kid ADD. Cue the mom guilt.

syd watching einstein edit

But seriously- was it that bad? Are there redeeming qualities to playing these games? My kids are interacting with each other (“Meet me at Mount Shiver…Hey check out my den.”) It’s more than parallel play. They are creating things. Minecraft is a game about survival. You have to make shelter, find food, kill zombies (of course.) They talk about it constantly. Strategizing and sharing.

kidselectronics

“The War Room”

I can remember being obsessed with Super Mario Bros on Nintendo. The old school shit, yo. I’d skip my last class (study hall~ that explains a few things) to run home and play Zelda too.

supermariobrosedit

In 4th-7th grade I’d spend my weekends at the skating rink and work for the high score on Frogger AND Donkey Kong AND Ms. Pacman. (Am I dating myself here? Damn.) PS- I lived in a small town in Mississippi- the skating rink and neighboring video/hamburger joint was the social scene. Don’t judge me.

hiscore-pacnpaledit

My kids get plenty of exercise. They have outside interests. They are social. I’m sure there is a ton of research on all of this, but let’s be honest; I’m not going to go look for it. Ain’t nobody got time for research unless it is posted on Facebook. I did find this though.

littlegamer

“research”

I try to limit my kids’ electronics. Lord knows it is my go to disciplinary action. And on long Thanksgiving breaks when little people are under foot 24/7…it is a nice way to get some peace and quiet. Until of course they are screaming at each other “You stole my food! You killed me on purpose. Nobody is coming to my den!” Then it’s time to shut it down and kick them outside- even if it’s raining.

Until then though, I’ll believe that all this addiction to technology and electronics can have some positive impact. I’ll enjoy this time and text some people, update my Facebook, and send out some tweets. 😉