“Your breath smells like diarrhea!” and other helpful information.

“Your breath smells like diarrhea, Mom.”

I was taken aback because I had actually just brushed my teeth.

“Does it smell like diarrhea or like coffee?”

“Like diarrhea flavored coffee.”coffee-wink

I don’t think I’ve ever written the word diarrhea this many times. ¬†I still don’t spell it correctly on the first try. Ok then.

“Thanks for telling me, buddy. I will try to correct the situation.”

(I also used it as a teachable moment because I’m a great parent!)

“You know, sometimes, if you only brush your teeth and not your tongue, your breath can still smell.

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*Blank stare.

Sometimes, my words of wisdom take awhile to sink in. I’m sure he will thank me for this later.

Kids.

They say the darndest things. Like:

“Mom, you aren’t 25 anymore.”

and

“Mom, are you sure you aren’t pregnant?

Because that dress says you are.”

But I have to say, this is also one reason why I was excited to have some. How many times have I tried to smell my own breath, or desperately wanted to check my nose or teeth for indiscretions, but was unable to get to a mirror? (One time is too many.)

I could ask my spouse, but then that last bit of mystery is gone. I’ve been married 20 years this summer, and I can proudly say he has never seen me sitting on the toilet. I hate even writing that word. We say potty. Anyway, that’s another post.

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I may or may not be sitting on the potty in this photo. ūüėČ

Kids are another story! I can ask my kids (or more often, be told by them without even asking!) and there is no judgement. They tell it like it is and still think I’m pretty. ūüėČ ¬†Except when I wear that one “pregnant dress”‚Ķwhich is now in the trash!

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So if you have children, and they aren’t as forthcoming as mine‚Ķ.now you know they can come in handy in certain situations! Start utilizing them! (And always brush your tongue.)

Christmas break…winter break….psychotic break.

Whatever you want to call it, it’s happening right now. The kids are home for the holidaze. 2 weeks of freedom. I’m not a big planner. I don’t plan my grocery store trips much less what to do with kids when they are out of school in the winter time. Actually I take that back.

I had ideas.

I thought about the indoor rock climbing place and going to the pop up ice skating rink. It crossed my mind to take the kids to visit a museum or two. Make some Christmas cookies and drink hot chocolate. But then I didn’t feel like it. You see, I want a break too. I’m so happy to not have to think about both breakfast and lunch before 7am every week day. And skipping the rush to get everyone dressed, fed, organized etc before school. And the homework. Argh that stupid homework. So yeah, I thought about entertaining the kids, but then I realized I just want to sit in sweat pants and watch movies in the middle of the day. And not kid movies. I want some adult entertainment. Well , not ADULT entertainment‚Ķjust non animated things, maybe even a documentary or two. OK no that’s not true. I don’t like documentaries unless it’s those VH1 Behind the Music ones. Those were great. I wonder if they still make those. Maybe I’ll check it out later.

Anyway, my point is that I want a break. At my house. In my house. From my house routines.

So this time, I decided to go with that. ~No, I’m not taking you to the mall the day before Christmas so you can spend the money your grandad just sent you. (So they are saving it.) ~No,¬†I’m not going to use this time to do a big clean out. (My husband is forcing the kids to do it.) ~No I’m not going to¬†fight with¬†you about¬†your dinner. Have cereal if you want. (They did.) Because I’m on a break. A break from all those mommy things I do most of the time. Don’t bathe if you don’t want to. I’m not. Yes this is a glass of wine. It’s cold out and I’m watching Love Actually. What do you think I should be drinking? 10441202_10152947038079521_2470934416130239660_n

me and my sweat pants

It’s going fairly well. ¬†I have managed to stay in pajamas or sweat pants for most of the break and have watched all the episodes of the Starz show The Missing. Definitely not a kid show. No one has starved or been injured more than usual. I’ve taken naps! I’ve never been a napper but this year I made it a goal. I reached it. Usually the day after Christmas I have the tree down and all the decorations are boxed up. But not this year. The tree is still up and I’m not sure when it’s coming down. That’s just a huge mess of pine needles I have to deal with after pushing it out the door. image

Who says we can’t enjoy this all through January?

I haven’t planned much for my kids except for playdates. But those have been instigated by others. Not me. So yeah, it’s going pretty well.

Except for the guilt.

Don’t worry, I don’t act on the guilt. I just sit with it. Just me and my guilt watching tv. Me and my guilt enjoying a glass of wine. Me and my guilt napping. It’s so stupid really. Why shouldn’t I take a break? Is anyone going to die because I still have my tree up? Are my children going to be scarred because they didn’t go ice skating? Is it really a problem that we have no milk or toilet paper? OK yes, that last one may be a problem, but my husband was kind enough to handle the grocery store for me. Score! So I have a few days left where I can choose to not do anything. My kids are old enough to figure out what they can eat for breakfast and lunch. ¬†And my husband is kind enough not to make comments about my “relaxed” appearance. image

A multitude of choices for breakfast and lunch ūüėČ

Maybe someday I will figure out how to do this guilt free, but I guess that comes with practice. ūüėČ I’ll keep practicing for the next few days. In my sweat pants. I hope all of you out there are practicing taking a break as well. ¬†After all we have a lot we will have to do in 2015 so we need to rest up. Cheers! Golden 2015 Happy New Year Greeting Card With Sparking Spot Ligh

There’s an elephant in the room and she has swollen lips….

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Here’s a confession that is hard to admit:

I had work done.

I admit it. I’ll also admit that it’s taking everything I have not to type a million little disclaimers like “I don’t do it¬†regularly” and “it’s only because my friend gives me a discount”…blah blah blah. ¬†Why is it that those of us who get a little “freshen up” seem to feel like we have to hide it? For me, I think I feel like by admitting that, it takes away any credit for “natural beauty” I may have. But who is taking away that credit? Probably other women. Other women also getting work done. ūüėČ

I got some botox and filler put in my face/lips two days ago. No one would ever know about the botox, but due to the filler, my lips swelled up to the size of Mushmouth from Fat Albert. I could barely talk.

This morning¬†I had traffic duty for my kids’ school. Trying not to talk, for me, is already an almost impossible feat….throw in the¬†intoxication of authority¬†(Traffic Duty,) and I’m a¬†goner. I had actually made it through the entire carpool process with barely a face to face interaction…and then 2 moms had questions. For me! What’s crazy is that these are two moms I am friends with. We’ve shared wine together and¬†war stories of parenthood.¬†I know that at least one of them also gets work done.¬†At least one of them also does that Brazilian hair straightening thing.¬†And yet, I¬†admitted nothing.¬† Nothing when¬†every word I said regardless of how it was spelled, seemed to start with¬†the letter¬†B.¬†Nothing when their eyes dropped to my lips multiple times.¬†¬†The¬†entire¬†time, my head is screaming:

“For the love of God, just say something! Just get it out there! They see it! This elephant cannot be hidden!”

I didn’t though.¬†¬†Instead I never looked them in the eye and tried to keep my head to one side as if only seeing half of my face would somehow hide the truth.

I HAD WORK DONE!

I walked away from that encounter with a need to scream it from the roof tops. I HAD WORK DONE! (of course everyone already knows. I’m not fooling anyone when my lips get to the destination a good 2 minutes before the rest of me.)¬† That’s why I wanted to shout it. It’s no big deal!

Don’t worry. The swelling will go down. It’s already starting to, see?

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And in two more days no one will even notice that I did anything at all. Except for the fact that I am writing about it here.¬†But when the swelling goes down, I hope the lesson I’ve learned will remain. What’s the lesson?

Don’t have traffic duty the day after you have work done.

No, that’s not right. The lesson is:

Don’t feel shame for doing things that make you feel better about yourself.

And definitely¬†don’t ignore the massive swollen elephant in the room because you aren’t actually “saving face.”¬† Embrace it.

Disclaimer: I am not consistent with my botox etc. I only get the filler to decrease mouth lines. My good friend gives me a discount. I still have natural beauty. I’m not that old.

Disclaimer #2: The first disclaimer shouldn’t even matter. And yet I still want to have it in here. Damn.