Get your shit together, Whitney.

6am this morning my 5th grader gets in bed with me.

Hi mom. I’m sad.

Why are you sad, baby?

I don’t like Mondays.

What’s wrong with Mondays?

School.

Ah yes. School. Are you stressed out?

Yes.

Feeling lost?

Yes.

And so it begins. The rest of the day I am feeling anxious and worried about how his day is going. He feels lost. I feel lost. He’s overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed!

And then the shaming begins. I’m a terrible mom. I haven’t done my best keeping him organized. Following up with teachers. Forcing him to study on weekends so that he goes to school on Monday feeling prepared. Get your shit together, Whitney! Why haven’t you been more on top of this? How dare you let your child feel anxious or overwhelmed. And you broke up with his tutor!! Money shouldn’t play a factor. The kid needs help! And Lord knows you aren’t giving it to him.

The next round of thoughts go something like this: Whitney, get your shit together. It’s fucking 5th grade. It’s not the end of the world. Who cares if he feels overwhelmed once in awhile. That’s good for him. He needs to learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings. As a matter of fact, you need to learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings.

Truth be told, he has probably gone on to school and hasn’t given it another thought. I’m the one internalizing his words and creating scenarios where my kid’s life is ruined because I’m not on top of things.  I should probably get a job. I obviously have way too much time on my hands.

I really do need to get my shit together. This has consumed my whole morning. I’ve emailed tutors and googled “How to Handle 5th grade stress.” (PS- there were actual articles to read. Apparently I’m not the only one overreacting.) No one’s life is in danger. I barely remember 5th grade, so it’s obviously not a huge factor in the grand scheme of things. Someone once told me, “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. ”

I better pace myself.

I’m exhausted now.

Is it 5 o’clock yet?

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The breakup

We had been together since September.  We met through friends. He had an answer for all my problems. Even my kid liked him. That sealed the deal for me. We bonded quickly. I thought I could handle a long term relationship. I was wrong.

I became 2 dependent on him, you see. It wasn’t healthy. Once a week became twice a week. If I couldn’t see him, I would panic. I wanted more. But I couldn’t have more, mainly because he was 2 expensive.

Yes, he is a trained professional. Yes, he understands the common core math curriculum. But the weight of his fees were 2 much to bare.

Today I broke up with him. In an email.SATC-breakup-post-it

It was short but took me almost an hour to construct. I tried to explain that we had outgrown each other. Mainly he had outgrown my budget.  I gave him praise and promised I would keep in touch. We both know it doesn’t work that way.

I know it was wrong but I couldn’t do it face 2 face. I didn’t want see the pain in his eyes. The hurt in his face. The shock of getting such news out of the blue. I didn’t want to run the risk of being persuaded to give him 1 more chance. As we all know, sometimes 1 more just doesn’t add up.

If train A leaves the station at 3pm and a car is going 60 miles an hour, no one can get an equal number of strawberries. 

I will miss his brightly colored manipulatives.

If I broke your heart,  I’m sorry, math tutor. I’m so very sorry.

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