There’s an elephant in the room and she has swollen lips….

elephant-in-the-room-audialtempartem

Here’s a confession that is hard to admit:

I had work done.

I admit it. I’ll also admit that it’s taking everything I have not to type a million little disclaimers like “I don’t do it regularly” and “it’s only because my friend gives me a discount”…blah blah blah.  Why is it that those of us who get a little “freshen up” seem to feel like we have to hide it? For me, I think I feel like by admitting that, it takes away any credit for “natural beauty” I may have. But who is taking away that credit? Probably other women. Other women also getting work done. 😉

I got some botox and filler put in my face/lips two days ago. No one would ever know about the botox, but due to the filler, my lips swelled up to the size of Mushmouth from Fat Albert. I could barely talk.

This morning I had traffic duty for my kids’ school. Trying not to talk, for me, is already an almost impossible feat….throw in the intoxication of authority (Traffic Duty,) and I’m a goner. I had actually made it through the entire carpool process with barely a face to face interaction…and then 2 moms had questions. For me! What’s crazy is that these are two moms I am friends with. We’ve shared wine together and war stories of parenthood. I know that at least one of them also gets work done. At least one of them also does that Brazilian hair straightening thing. And yet, I admitted nothing.  Nothing when every word I said regardless of how it was spelled, seemed to start with the letter B. Nothing when their eyes dropped to my lips multiple times.  The entire time, my head is screaming:

“For the love of God, just say something! Just get it out there! They see it! This elephant cannot be hidden!”

I didn’t though.  Instead I never looked them in the eye and tried to keep my head to one side as if only seeing half of my face would somehow hide the truth.

I HAD WORK DONE!

I walked away from that encounter with a need to scream it from the roof tops. I HAD WORK DONE! (of course everyone already knows. I’m not fooling anyone when my lips get to the destination a good 2 minutes before the rest of me.)  That’s why I wanted to shout it. It’s no big deal!

Don’t worry. The swelling will go down. It’s already starting to, see?

lips

And in two more days no one will even notice that I did anything at all. Except for the fact that I am writing about it here. But when the swelling goes down, I hope the lesson I’ve learned will remain. What’s the lesson?

Don’t have traffic duty the day after you have work done.

No, that’s not right. The lesson is:

Don’t feel shame for doing things that make you feel better about yourself.

And definitely don’t ignore the massive swollen elephant in the room because you aren’t actually “saving face.”  Embrace it.

Disclaimer: I am not consistent with my botox etc. I only get the filler to decrease mouth lines. My good friend gives me a discount. I still have natural beauty. I’m not that old.

Disclaimer #2: The first disclaimer shouldn’t even matter. And yet I still want to have it in here. Damn.

Pretty Little Liars

I was awoken one recent Saturday morning by a 7 year old boy in tiny underwear.  “Mom,  I have an upset tummy. I saved it for you if you want to see.”  Not on the weekend buddy. Never on a weekend.

You may be asking “What the hell? Gross.” Let me explain. My kids lie. They lie to get out of going to school. They lie to get out of trouble. They lie for fun.  It’s a problem. So much so that I must have a “visual” if anyone is claiming to be sick.

Ferris Bueller's fake out

It’s been a problem since the kids were very young. When my daughter was 3, she bit herself and then blamed her 1 year old brother.  When my son was 5, he carved his name in my husband’s leather chair and said he didn’t. Hey, I said they were good liars, not geniuses.

hayden chair

The lies can be creative, detailed and unneccesary: “I brought a pet Lizard back from Mexico. I hid him in my backpack on the plane. His name is Fred and he likes to roam the house free.”

Or conniving: “Mom, I just found some extra Christmas money! (It’s July) So I’m going to buy some apps. It’s my money, so it’s my choice.”

Is this a phase? Am I kidding myself thinking they will grow out of this? Does a phase last 3,4,6 years?   Will my kids become con artists?  A dirty rotten scoundrel?  Either boy could play a great Ruprecht.

dirty rotten scoundrel

Time will tell. I guess for now, I will  insist on “visuals” when sick, require 2 forms of proof when hearing any story and ask very specific questions regarding showers: Did you wash your hair? Your armpits? Did actual soap touch your skin?

Maybe they will channel all that creativity into something profitable…and honest. In the words of Justin Bieber…(yes I see the irony) NEVER SAY NEVER.

never say never

Who else has pretty little liars?

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Word to your mother

There are certain words I don’t like to hear people say …..like pantyhose and moist. (even worse when they are in the same sentence) And then there are words that I don’t like to hear from my children. Like shut up, butt, fart, and suck. I say two of those words myself (maybe 3), but an adult mouth is different than a kid mouth. Right?

My kids are good kids. They are polite and respectful (not to me of course….. but others tell me it’s true.) So who cares if a few iffy words are said? I do!  IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I have tried to ban them, but like Mike, my “bad boy” boyfriend from 8th grade —- banning only makes it more appealing.

  joe dirt 4 edit   colin ferrell kiss

When I was growing up, we were not allowed to say butt or crap. I can’t really remember what happened to us if we said it but I remember that it was bad. Good kids had clean mouths. lol Or maybe I should say bad kids had clean mouths because they were constantly washed out with soap.  Ironic Disclaimer: My mom now takes great joy in saying words considered far worse than butt.

profanity

That’s it, isn’t it?  Taboo things are fun.  Maybe my kids get the same euphoria and power from butt and suck that I do with my own 4 letter friends. I don’t know.

Crap.  How will this tie into underage drinking and sex? Parenting through the teenage years is going to suck. Suck ass. (Shut up.)

I Can’t Rage Against the Machine

As I sit here on day 5 of a 7 day school break, I start to ask myself certain questions. Like- Is it wrong to drink before noon if you’ve been cooped up with kids for 5 days? Am I a bad mom if I stop fighting the electronic obsession that all 3 of my kids have? How many days can the kids go without bathing before it is considered neglect? So many questions. But let’s get back to the electronics one. Seriously. Obsession does not even come close to the right word. Addiction.

drugs of choice

My kid starts jonesing as soon as his eyes open. I can find him under his sheets pretty much every morning mesmerized by the creative world he has built in Minecraft.

haydenbed

All three of my kids are Animal Jam junkies, but it’s National Geographic so it’s ok, right? Remember when the kids were babies and you would put them in front of Baby Einstein videos and think- this is good because it’s educational. Then you’d read all the backlash of how it causes ADD or some shit like that? I just wanted to take a shower and now I’ve given my kid ADD. Cue the mom guilt.

syd watching einstein edit

But seriously- was it that bad? Are there redeeming qualities to playing these games? My kids are interacting with each other (“Meet me at Mount Shiver…Hey check out my den.”) It’s more than parallel play. They are creating things. Minecraft is a game about survival. You have to make shelter, find food, kill zombies (of course.) They talk about it constantly. Strategizing and sharing.

kidselectronics

“The War Room”

I can remember being obsessed with Super Mario Bros on Nintendo. The old school shit, yo. I’d skip my last class (study hall~ that explains a few things) to run home and play Zelda too.

supermariobrosedit

In 4th-7th grade I’d spend my weekends at the skating rink and work for the high score on Frogger AND Donkey Kong AND Ms. Pacman. (Am I dating myself here? Damn.) PS- I lived in a small town in Mississippi- the skating rink and neighboring video/hamburger joint was the social scene. Don’t judge me.

hiscore-pacnpaledit

My kids get plenty of exercise. They have outside interests. They are social. I’m sure there is a ton of research on all of this, but let’s be honest; I’m not going to go look for it. Ain’t nobody got time for research unless it is posted on Facebook. I did find this though.

littlegamer

“research”

I try to limit my kids’ electronics. Lord knows it is my go to disciplinary action. And on long Thanksgiving breaks when little people are under foot 24/7…it is a nice way to get some peace and quiet. Until of course they are screaming at each other “You stole my food! You killed me on purpose. Nobody is coming to my den!” Then it’s time to shut it down and kick them outside- even if it’s raining.

Until then though, I’ll believe that all this addiction to technology and electronics can have some positive impact. I’ll enjoy this time and text some people, update my Facebook, and send out some tweets. 😉

mom guilt

I yelled at my kids right before dropping them at school. I forgot to send them with jackets. I bought lunchables instead of making nutritious all organic lunches. I said “because I said so” instead of taking the time to explain my reasoning for saying no to yet another sleep over. I didn’t stay long enough at the skate park. I didn’t take them to the skate park. I said the skate park was closed.

lunchablesedit

Mom guilt.

It starts early.  You let your baby cry in her bed while you finally take a shower after a 10 day hiatus. You called him a fat ass when he wouldn’t stop crying in the middle of the night. (Only to your husband who didn’t even hear it because he slept through the crying, but you still feel awful.)  You fed her store bought baby food instead of mashing up organic avocados and bananas. Mom guilt!

It sucks.

tired-mom-ecards-766

Every mom I know suffers from some sort of mom guilt. We have been conditioned to think that every single thing we do or don’t do can impact our child’s very soul.  I stressed because I didn’t carve pumpkins this year, and I definitely didn’t roast any damn pumpkin seeds. I don’t bake or cook really. I don’t enjoy the park. I hate reading with my kids.

Shit. My kids are screwed. (and while I’m confessing…I didn’t breastfeed. Oh shit. Double D screwed!!)

Except that I do other things. Maybe it’s not the traditional way of bonding, but dance parties, and super awesome indoor tents are something, right?  You have to know who you are and be that person. I don’t use the oven much but I’m not stingy when it comes to hugs and kisses and praise.  I can create an impromptu musical with my kids about homework. “Every day this week, we try to geeeeet our work done. Geeeet our work done….” Chorus line…Anyone?Anyone?

I heard a great Ted talk the other day from Brene Brown and she said:

” Our job as parents is to make our children feel worthy of love and belonging.”

Did you read that? It did not say our job as parents is to sit on the floor playing hours of barbies/legos/petshop.  It did not say it is our job as parents to take them to all three Chipmunk movies the day they open. Good parenting doesn’t mean baking from scratch! And Lunchables were never mentioned!

I actually googled Brene Brown after watching this. Apparently she is a big wig in the self help community. I’m surprised I didn’t know her sooner since that’s where you will find me in any bookstore. She has a great book: The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting. I haven’t read it but I did read the synopsis. Hey, that counts. Plus, did you read the title? Hello!brene brown bookBasically she says we have to embrace our imperfections. It shows our kids that it’s ok. We need to be who we really are. For me that means, I’m not a baker, a butcher or a candlestick maker.  It’s exhausting to keep up the charade anyway. I am pretty sure I’m not fooling anyone. It’s ok that I don’t bake cookies from scratch! It’s ok if I give a little processed meat.  It’s ok if I don’t want to hear my daughter sing “Rolling in the Deep” for the one millionth time.

We all have our own ways of making our children feel worthy of love and belonging. It doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. And it will never be perfect. Stop feeling guilty. In the words of Barbara Streisand and Barry Gibb: You’ve got nothing to be guilty of….”

barbara and barryedit

Protect the children from balls…and similar safety messages.

So a middle school in New York has banned all balls from the playground and say tag and cartwheels must be supervised by a coach. It’s just too dangerous. All I can say is it’s about damn time!!  Finally someone has identified the dangers of  ball play. I mean, did we learn nothing from Marsha Brady?

marsha

And that was in the comfort of her own backyard! Who knows what could happen if groups of children in large grassy areas are left alone with balls!  I pray that other schools follow suite.

As for cartwheels, of course helmets are a good idea. Don’t be stupid.

how2doacartwheelart4681

All children under the age of 18 should be required to wear a helmet everywhere. There are too many things that could cause damage. Wrap those kids up in bubble wrap every time they leave the house. It is the safe thing to do! Be responsible parents!

KidWrappedInBubbleWrapframed

Seriously, we need to keep an eye on our children at all times, arm them with protective gear (literally not figuratively, of course) in every situation. For God’s sake, do not let them do things for themselves. At least until they are 18 and go away to college. And by “go away” I mean, move to the basement and take classes at the local community college. I’m sure they can take classes in things like :

Street Smarts ~ Indigestion or Instinct?  ~  How to handle yourself without your helmet~  I’m ok, you’re ok (even if we don’t get a trophy) 

Our parents were idiots. We had too much freedom. Too much independence. Too many real life experiences that led to making choices and trusting our instincts.   I mean, I rode my bike to school! I played in the neighborhood with friends and no parent supervision! Cartwheels WITHOUT HELMETS!!! I am lucky to be alive. And so are you. And you. And you. And you.

It’s time parents understood that it is our job to overparent…I mean, protect our children from everything we possibly can.

helicopter_parentsframed

Self esteem, instincts, independence……they can get that later, when we’re dead.

I mean, what’s the alternative? Let children learn things through living? Teach them how to be aware and make good choices? Not on my watch, no sir!

You’re gonna catch me Ridin’ Dirty….

image

Literally. 

 My house is messy, but my car looks like a crazy person lives in it.  Why does this surprise me? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you are transporting kids, dogs, neighbors, neighbors’ kids, sports equipment etc, then things are gonna get dirrrr~tay.

imagelego pieces, books, bits of food…is that a pair of underwear?

The bigger question is why the hell does it bother me so much? I tried to change my dirty ways.

I made declarations!

 carwash

I put my foot down!

food

But nothing changed. That’s when I realized I’m going about this all wrong!

Cue positive spin:

Food keeps mouths and hands busy and off of others. Legos and other toys keep their brains engaged so I don’t have to hear, “How much longer, Mommy?”  Time is limited and I already wash 3 kids and 2 dogs.  You can see where I’m going with this can’t you?

Ridin’ Dirty is the key to happiness!

Maybe you are thinking, give me a break. How hard is it to get to the car wash? Or bring a hand vacuum out to the car? It’s hard, damnit! You might be one of those people who also gets their nails done every week. Oh, I want to be like you! I wish I could be perfectly manicured, hair coiffed (do people still get coiffed?), car washed every Saturday.  But I’m not. I’m the other guy. The one that looks like this:

nicknoltewith text

So I am going to stop stressing about it. I will embrace my mess and call it enlightenment!

enlightenment

Life is messy! Time is short and I want to have coffee with friends instead of coffee at the car wash!  When I look down and see that lego figure lying on top of a few crumbled goldfish, I’m going to have a new perspective…..I’m totally down with ridin’ dirty. Now I just need to work on a spin for not doing laundry! 😉

legos

“They see me rollin’, They hatin’,
Patrolling~ they tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty,
Tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty,
Tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty!”

Can you embrace the mess?

My Balls

Balls. They can be scary. I never think I’m handling them the right way. It’s hard to know. Big ones. Small ones. I’m told to grab them but then I think some should be handled with care.  I am no expert, but I definitely have balls.

50 shades balls

My balls are labeled with names like: school, soccer practice, dinner, homework, career, relationships, the budget, dogs. What balls were you thinking of? Oh right. Those balls are another ball. Yep, lots and lots of balls.(Maybe you should drink every time you read the word balls!)

I’m rarely on the ball and I am constantly dropping the ball.  They are rolling around on the ground by my feet, tripping me up. (Kind of reminds me of a song: “Do your balls hang low do they wobble to and fro…” Yes I know it’s actually ears.) Anyway, back to my balls.  How do I get a good handle on all these balls? (You are drinking, right?)

baseballbuster

 I could set up a schedule!  The red balls are juggled on Monday and the green balls are Tuesday…I will save the blue balls for Friday night. 😉

I could give my attention to one ball at a time! Be fully present with whatever ball I have at that moment. Juggle one. (But isn’t that just holding the ball?)

Or maybe I just keep doing what I’m doing and watch my step. No one has broken their neck, YET.

Whatever I decide, one thing is for sure:

No one can ever say I don’t have balls.

And my own personal balls should be a priority.

(Yes, I realize that’s actually 2 things.)  

Because if momma’s balls aren’t happy, ain’t no balls happy.

What about you? What do you do with all those balls?

Do you make time for your own balls? (Who’s drunk?)

Look! Sports! Funny!

(Ok I lied. But I want men to read this.)

I’m jumping on the band wagon. We’ve all gotten the posts lately about what your sons and daughters should know. Well, my husband knows a few things so I thought I’d share them with you.  So guys- here’s what you need to know about your wife.

#1. We like sex.

(I know it’s a shock…I even heard a few of you women gasp, but it’s true.) We want to have our world rocked. We just may need to be reminded. Let me put it in simpler terms….

Men are like microwaves, women are like slow cookers. u-crockpot6_5q

Turn us on low in the morning and let it simmer all day.

~Tell us we’re pretty~ Bring us coffee ~Kiss us FOR REAL~Send us a flirty afternoon text ~

Make us feel like we are the only person that can quench your hot dirty desire . Yes, I read Twilight and 50 Shades. We might not want our blood sucked or to use a safe word, but we all want to be desired! (And if you play the “I must have you right this very minute because you are so freaking sexy” card, then that slowcooker becomes a microwave pretty darn quick.)

#2: We need validation!

WWS-Validate

Oh yeah, validate us, baby.  Punch that card! Punch it with a “I couldn’t do this without you” or  “I appreciate what you do.” It will go along way. You might even get some “free parking” …if you know what I mean. 😉

#3. Change the oil.

oil

This is not a metaphor. We really want you to get the oil changed in the car. Or get the car washed. Or fill us up (again not a metaphor.)  The car is where we spend most of our time ~driving your offspring (or your dry cleaning) around. It’s such a bummer when we have to worry our pretty little heads about car maintenance.

#4.  It’s the “ask” that counts.

napkin_justask

Here’s a little secret, fellas. All you have to do is ask if we need help. 9 times out of 10 we will say no thanks, but the effort was made and you get points. Score! We want your willingness to pitch in, and then most of the time, we still want to do it ourselves.

#5. Boom Goes the Dynamite.

This has nothing to do with your wife. I just feel guilty for the lie I told earlier.This is your funny sports clip.

Enjoy. http://youtu.be/5nnitLnqqVo

And one more for inspiration: http//youtu.be/LHXsFH7gHW8

What do you think? Yeah, you! Leave me a comment. 🙂

 

A lesson from Young MC

You know him right? The one hit wonder rapper from 1989~ish. young mc

His voice is haunting me.

(Yes I know what the song is about, but don’t you take lyrics and apply them to your life all the time? You do. Don’t you?) So here’s the deal:

My kids are creative. They are imaginative. They are exhausting. crazy kids

If I said yes to half the things my kids asked me to do, we’d never sit down. So I say no and leave the room. And then the words of the prolyphic Young MC come to mind…

Just Bust A Move, Whitney.

“From frustration first inclination is to become a monk and leave the situation.”

Damn straight I want to leave the situation. Hey MC, you are young and don’t have kids. I’m tired and their ideas are elaborate or loud or messy or include me or (gasp) all of the above! I don’t want to bust a move.  So of course the kids “get shot down cause <their> overzealous.”

“A girl runs up with somethin to prove, So don’t just stand there, bust a move”

Shut up, MC! I’m trying to read my Facebook newsfeed. Ain’t nobody got time for a bake sale. But he won’t shut up, it’s like an earworm. Come on Whitney, just bust a move.  Ugh. Damn.  I think of the experience they will get from the yes. I don’t do it all the time but I do try to say maybe instead of no…that gives me some time to think about it.

“You run over there without a second to lose, And what comes next, hey bust a move.”

So the no becomes a maybe…. that many times turns into a yes. My laziness shouldn’t be the reason to not do something. Besides, I gotta get Young MC off my back.

Mom, may we have a car party? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

!IMG_6494

Mom, may we have ice cream for lunch?Yes! Let’s bust a move!

kids2

Can we make an obstacle course in the garage? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

obstacle course

Can we get our pets and our friends and their pets and have a pet parade through the neighborhood? Umm no. What? I’m not Mother Teresa.

So my friends…..

Now you know what to do, go, bust a move!

Don’t say no too quickly. Say maybe. (Unless they ask for a pet parade and then it is totally acceptable to say no.) A maybe that possibly turns into a yes. Because when I think back, the yes made a pretty good memory. xoxoxo

Young MC not doing it for you? Allow Brian Williams to inspire you.

http://youtu.be/vwc9_nqX6Zc