Riding the break!

Posted on May 7, 2014 by Whitney

That’s not a typo. I’m not talking about car brakes. I’m talking about a break from parenthood. A break from responsibility. A break from that 24/7 unpaid job we all agreed to do. A break that every mom deserves. Yes, you do. Don’t argue with me, I said you do!

Hey, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

No laundry. No carpool. No lunches to make. Just me myself and I…and a few friends. Sleeping in. Movies. Room Service. Dinners out. A photo shoot. Champagne blow outs. lol Did I throw you with that? Hey if you are going to make the time to take a break…you need to make it count!

Here are a few tips when taking a break.

1.Take enough time.

SO many times, I try to plan a weekend getaway but I want to make sure that the kids are fed, and the laundry is done and the meals are pre-planned, and loveys are folded neatly on the beds…FORGET IT! By the time you get everything ready to go, you’ve given up half a day or more! To make sure we had enough time on our trip to NYC, we took a red eye flight. Granted we did not sleep well but we also had the great idea of going straight to the spa when we arrived. Pampering began immediately and that red eye was a distant memory. If you only have a weekend or even a night, stay some what local or within a 2-3 hour radius and GET AWAY EARLY AND SPEND THE NIGHT! A glorious night of uninterrupted sleep is worth more than any pampering session!

2. Send in reinforcements.

I always try to have my inlaws come in to stay if I am going away for more than a few days without my husband. My mother in law loves to take care of her baby (my husband) as well as the grandkids. If you don’t have that option, use other family members or friends to farm out your kids or run carpool for you. If you have the cash, hire a babysitter to help out your spouse. You want it to be an enjoyable experience for him too so he is open to another girls’ getaway. 😉

3. Be flexible.

I’m gonna kick my heels up regardless!

We had all kinds of plans when we hit New York, but the weather and a bout of food poisoning had us scrapping lots of ideas and regrouping. Aside from our friend who was ill most of the day, it wasn’t bad hanging out in the room watching movies and talking. It’s good to have a plan but be ready to just go with the flow.

4. Pamper yourself!

We planned this trip far in advance so I made sure there was money in the budget to do some really fun things. But pampering can be something as inexpensive as a $20 foot massage or $30 blow dry with free champagne!

5. Do something different!

For this trip, we booked an awesome new company called Flytographer. You get your very own photographer in the city you are visiting. You can have professional photographs taken of you and your friends having fun in the city! They have photographers all over the world!They can be candid or more posed. It’s lots of fun and you have great mementos of the trip!

http://www.flytographer.com

So let’s recap:

A break. You need it. Take it. Fun and flexible….like Olivia Newton John.

I don’t wear an Apron…but when I do, it’s Blue.

Posted on April 30, 2014 by Whitney

Anyone that knows me, knows that dinner and I have been arch enemies since the kids stopped drinking formula. (you heard me.) You will never hear me say- I just threw this together. Even with the recipe, my food tends to come out boring. I spend a lot of time worrying about what’s for dinner.

Ok, let me rephrase.

I spend the hour before dinner worrying about what’s for dinner. I hate cooking. I also hate feeding my kids processed food. You can see my dilemma here. I have tried to find healthy recipes online but my kids don’t seem to go for it. They turn out bland.

whiner, whiner, chicken dinner…

Dinner was kicking my ass and I was tired of it.

That’s when Blue Apron swooped in to save the day.

http://www.blueapron.com

Blue Apron is my hero. They deliver healthy delicious recipes every week to me with all the ingredients. No more substituting oregano for parsley…no more winging it when I don’t have an onion.

(However, you can still accidently add 2 TBL of oil insead of 2 tsp. Not that I have or anything. I’m just saying.)

Every Tuesday my ingredients for my three meals are delivered to me in nice neat little packages.

All I have to do is chop it up, mix it, bake it, and serve it. Now that is actually very time consuming. I have minced garlic and smashed into a paste too many times to count over the past month, but it’s worth it.

“paste making” the non professional way

I am used to dialing for dinner or microwaving. A red onion was considered an exotic food in my household. But now, I’m cooking with dried hops flowers, mint, lemongrass, kumquats!

Prepackaged = post fabulous!

And the most miraculous thing is happening. My kids are eating it!

I AM NOW THE GREATEST MOM THAT EVER LIVED!

If only Blue Apron did dessert.

I didn’t need a red cape to feel like a superhero…I just needed the Blue Apron. ( Of course, the black boots are still a no brainer.)

http://www.blueparon.com

There’s an elephant in the room and she has swollen lips….

Posted on March 7, 2014 by Whitney

Here’s a confession that is hard to admit:

I had work done.

I admit it. I’ll also admit that it’s taking everything I have not to type a million little disclaimers like “I don’t do it regularly” and “it’s only because my friend gives me a discount”…blah blah blah. Why is it that those of us who get a little “freshen up” seem to feel like we have to hide it? For me, I think I feel like by admitting that, it takes away any credit for “natural beauty” I may have. But who is taking away that credit? Probably other women. Other women also getting work done. 😉

I got some botox and filler put in my face/lips two days ago. No one would ever know about the botox, but due to the filler, my lips swelled up to the size of Mushmouth from Fat Albert. I could barely talk.

This morning I had traffic duty for my kids’ school. Trying not to talk, for me, is already an almost impossible feat….throw in the intoxication of authority (Traffic Duty,) and I’m a goner. I had actually made it through the entire carpool process with barely a face to face interaction…and then 2 moms had questions. For me! What’s crazy is that these are two moms I am friends with. We’ve shared wine together and war stories of parenthood. I know that at least one of them also gets work done. At least one of them also does that Brazilian hair straightening thing. And yet, I admitted nothing. Nothing when every word I said regardless of how it was spelled, seemed to start with the letter B. Nothing when their eyes dropped to my lips multiple times. The entire time, my head is screaming:

“For the love of God, just say something! Just get it out there! They see it! This elephant cannot be hidden!”

I didn’t though. Instead I never looked them in the eye and tried to keep my head to one side as if only seeing half of my face would somehow hide the truth.

I HAD WORK DONE!

I walked away from that encounter with a need to scream it from the roof tops. I HAD WORK DONE! (of course everyone already knows. I’m not fooling anyone when my lips get to the destination a good 2 minutes before the rest of me.) That’s why I wanted to shout it. It’s no big deal!

Don’t worry. The swelling will go down. It’s already starting to, see?

And in two more days no one will even notice that I did anything at all. Except for the fact that I am writing about it here. But when the swelling goes down, I hope the lesson I’ve learned will remain. What’s the lesson?

Don’t have traffic duty the day after you have work done.

No, that’s not right. The lesson is:

Don’t feel shame for doing things that make you feel better about yourself.

And definitely don’t ignore the massive swollen elephant in the room because you aren’t actually “saving face.” Embrace it.

Disclaimer: I am not consistent with my botox etc. I only get the filler to decrease mouth lines. My good friend gives me a discount. I still have natural beauty. I’m not that old.

Disclaimer #2: The first disclaimer shouldn’t even matter. And yet I still want to have it in here. Damn.

Honk if you love: GlossyBox

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Whitney

No this is not a term with hidden meaning. This is a box that thinks outside the box. A cute little package with 5 products that keeps you satisfied every month! Sometimes I run across something that is too good to keep to myself. Maybe it saves time, makes me look cool, or keeps me feeling young! GlossyBox does all these things.

I heard about this from my bestie over at #luxurytravelmom. You can check out her travel website here: http://www.luxurytravelmom.com/ Her GlossyBox travels well. I like to share my GlossyBox with others. (You still remember that we are talking about an actual box here, right?)

Thoughtful, in vogue gifts can be hard to come by. I can barely find time for a shower much less find time to research the latest beauty du jour! Not to mention many of those trends are super pricey! So if you have a Kevin Hart bank account, (you know, where you have a checking and a savings, but all the money is in your savings) GlossyBox is perfect for you!

It’s thoughtful! And the price is right! A gorgeous box with the latest and greatest in beauty products! They do all the work and you get all the credit. Send it to yourself or send to a friend. 1 month, 3 months, 6 months! It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Now you can thank me for proving that good things really do come in small packages! http://www.glossybox.com/

Disclosure: I took care of my own GlossyBox. It was not sponsored. They didn’t even know I was going to write about them. But of course I’m open to it now…if even just the tip. 😉

Oh shit. Another Valentine’s Day post.

Posted on February 14, 2014 by Whitney

There are so many posts about Valentine’s Day today. Most are very black and white. HOW TO HAVE THE MOST AH~MAZING VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE…or

F@#k you, Valentine’s Day.

Some of them talk about how you need to love yourself on Valentine’s Day….not in a sexual way, wait, actually I’m not sure. Maybe it is.

As a mom of 3 in elementary school, romance is not my first thought. Instead, I think- crap. I have to buy chocolates and more stuffed animals or support ipad habits with gift cards or new games. I have to get cards for the class, and they need to be unique and funny. Some of my friends actually make class Valentine’s cards with witty little phrases on them…or homemade treats if you can believe it! I know. Bitches.

This year I did order some cards online. They were Valentine Madlibs. I was pretty proud of myself. But no candy. There wasn’t a spot for it and it’s a big enough battle to get my kids’ to write their own damn names on the cards, much less tape some candy to it! This has gotten me many disapproving looks from friends. Ironically my kids didn’t say one thing about not having any candy for their friends. I saw kids walking into school this morning with flowers, ribbons, fancy teacher gifts. Shit. I forgot about the teachers.

I did not forget about my husband. I got him a card and a box of chocolates.

But the morning was hectic and we didn’t have any kind of a “moment.” I would love an ah~mazing Valentine’s Day…with romance and sexy bed hair. But honestly…I’m tired.

What about you?

Pretty Little Liars

Posted on February 4, 2014 by Whitney

I was awoken one recent Saturday morning by a 7 year old boy in tiny underwear. “Mom, I have an upset tummy. I saved it for you if you want to see.” Not on the weekend buddy. Never on a weekend.

You may be asking “What the hell? Gross.” Let me explain. My kids lie. They lie to get out of going to school. They lie to get out of trouble. They lie for fun. It’s a problem. So much so that I must have a “visual” if anyone is claiming to be sick.

It’s been a problem since the kids were very young. When my daughter was 3, she bit herself and then blamed her 1 year old brother. When my son was 5, he carved his name in my husband’s leather chair and said he didn’t. Hey, I said they were good liars, not geniuses.

The lies can be creative, detailed and unneccesary: “I brought a pet Lizard back from Mexico. I hid him in my backpack on the plane. His name is Fred and he likes to roam the house free.”

Or conniving: “Mom, I just found some extra Christmas money! (It’s July) So I’m going to buy some apps. It’s my money, so it’s my choice.”

Is this a phase? Am I kidding myself thinking they will grow out of this? Does a phase last 3,4,6 years? Will my kids become con artists? A dirty rotten scoundrel? Either boy could play a great Ruprecht.

Time will tell. I guess for now, I will insist on “visuals” when sick, require 2 forms of proof when hearing any story and ask very specific questions regarding showers: Did you wash your hair? Your armpits? Did actual soap touch your skin?

Maybe they will channel all that creativity into something profitable…and honest. In the words of Justin Bieber…(yes I see the irony) NEVER SAY NEVER.

Who else has pretty little liars?

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Sydney’s “Beliebe” it or not

Posted on January 29, 2014 by Whitney

Car conversations:
Daughter- Guess what boys? Justin Bieber got arrested.
Boys- Yay!
Daughter- and then he fled to Panama!
Son- yeah, he was drug racing.

Word to your mother

Posted on January 24, 2014 by Whitney

There are certain words I don’t like to hear people say …..like pantyhose and moist. (even worse when they are in the same sentence) And then there are words that I don’t like to hear from my children. Like shut up, butt, fart, and suck. I say two of those words myself (maybe 3), but an adult mouth is different than a kid mouth. Right?

My kids are good kids. They are polite and respectful (not to me of course….. but others tell me it’s true.) So who cares if a few iffy words are said? I do! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I have tried to ban them, but like Mike, my “bad boy” boyfriend from 8th grade —- banning only makes it more appealing.

When I was growing up, we were not allowed to say butt or crap. I can’t really remember what happened to us if we said it but I remember that it was bad. Good kids had clean mouths. lol Or maybe I should say bad kids had clean mouths because they were constantly washed out with soap. Ironic Disclaimer: My mom now takes great joy in saying words considered far worse than butt.

profanity

That’s it, isn’t it? Taboo things are fun. Maybe my kids get the same euphoria and power from butt and suck that I do with my own 4 letter friends. I don’t know.

Crap. How will this tie into underage drinking and sex? Parenting through the teenage years is going to suck. Suck ass. (Shut up.)

Deck the halls with shit from Rite Aid…fa la la la la la la la la

Posted on December 11, 2013 by Whitney

Every year I tell myself that I am not going to go overboard with the kids’ Christmas presents. And every Christmas Eve I panic because I think I didn’t allow Santa to bring enough. So then I run to Rite Aid (because it’s close and still open) and buy a bunch of crap that was “As Seen On TV.” Why? Because I want the kids to have that initial reaction of, “oh my goodness look at all the stuff!” All that stuff is just for show. No one asked for it and no one plays with it after Christmas…mostly because the shit breaks after one use, but also because they could care less. This year I have started the same ritual. Santa and I had a talk and he is granting my 3 their wish for Electric Scooters. But that one scooter does not fill up their Christmas chair. (Each kid has a spot in the living room where they have their stocking and Santa gifts.) I can already see the writing on the wall. A Chillow is in everyone’s future.

(This is not the real Christmas chair.)

But no one wants the Chillow! It’s just me! Me—> feeling guilty for not having more stuff in the Christmas chair. Me—-> encouraging the belief that presents are the reason for the season not baby Jesus in a diaper, not the spirit of giving, not spending quality time with family while singing Christmas carols and roasting chestnuts.

Now as I type this I am already anticipating the comments. Not real comments because I don’t get many of those. 😉 But thoughts. Thoughts like:

“Wow, she is one selfish bitch. I can’t believe she is posting about what her privileged children will be getting from Rite Aid on Christmas.”

“I don’t know what she is complaining about, a Rite Aid Christmas sounds great.”

“The only thing on my Christmas list is a Chillow.”

I understand that but for now, I’m not talking about that. We participate in the toy drives and adopt needy families. I’m talking about on Christmas day when the kids come down the stairs in anticipation of their own Christmas magic. At that moment, they are just little kids who have been (semi) good all year in the hopes that Santa would reward them for their kind and generous nature. I don’t want them to be disappointed. I want them to be elated and amazed at their own good fortune. Hopefully an electric scooter, the Christmas story, and some hot chocolate will do the trick. But I’ll probably get the Chillow to be safe.

I Can’t Rage Against the Machine

Posted on November 29, 2013 by Whitney

As I sit here on day 5 of a 7 day school break, I start to ask myself certain questions. Like- Is it wrong to drink before noon if you’ve been cooped up with kids for 5 days? Am I a bad mom if I stop fighting the electronic obsession that all 3 of my kids have? How many days can the kids go without bathing before it is considered neglect? So many questions. But let’s get back to the electronics one. Seriously. Obsession does not even come close to the right word. Addiction.

My kid starts jonesing as soon as his eyes open. I can find him under his sheets pretty much every morning mesmerized by the creative world he has built in Minecraft.

All three of my kids are Animal Jam junkies, but it’s National Geographic so it’s ok, right? Remember when the kids were babies and you would put them in front of Baby Einstein videos and think- this is good because it’s educational. Then you’d read all the backlash of how it causes ADD or some shit like that? I just wanted to take a shower and now I’ve given my kid ADD. Cue the mom guilt.

But seriously- was it that bad? Are there redeeming qualities to playing these games? My kids are interacting with each other (“Meet me at Mount Shiver…Hey check out my den.”) It’s more than parallel play. They are creating things. Minecraft is a game about survival. You have to make shelter, find food, kill zombies (of course.) They talk about it constantly. Strategizing and sharing.

“The War Room”

I can remember being obsessed with Super Mario Bros on Nintendo. The old school shit, yo. I’d skip my last class (study hall~ that explains a few things) to run home and play Zelda too.

In 4th-7th grade I’d spend my weekends at the skating rink and work for the high score on Frogger AND Donkey Kong AND Ms. Pacman. (Am I dating myself here? Damn.) PS- I lived in a small town in Mississippi- the skating rink and neighboring video/hamburger joint was the social scene. Don’t judge me.

My kids get plenty of exercise. They have outside interests. They are social. I’m sure there is a ton of research on all of this, but let’s be honest; I’m not going to go look for it. Ain’t nobody got time for research unless it is posted on Facebook. I did find this though.

“research”

I try to limit my kids’ electronics. Lord knows it is my go to disciplinary action. And on long Thanksgiving breaks when little people are under foot 24/7…it is a nice way to get some peace and quiet. Until of course they are screaming at each other “You stole my food! You killed me on purpose. Nobody is coming to my den!” Then it’s time to shut it down and kick them outside- even if it’s raining.

Until then though, I’ll believe that all this addiction to technology and electronics can have some positive impact. I’ll enjoy this time and text some people, update my Facebook, and send out some tweets. 😉

Carpool Confessions

A humorous take on life in the carpool line.

Riding the break!

I don’t wear an Apron…but when I do, it’s Blue.

There’s an elephant in the room and she has swollen lips….

Honk if you love: GlossyBox

Oh shit. Another Valentine’s Day post.

Pretty Little Liars

Sydney’s “Beliebe” it or not

Word to your mother

Deck the halls with shit from Rite Aid…fa la la la la la la la la

I Can’t Rage Against the Machine

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!

Tell your friends!