There are 12 days til Christmas!

I have a lot to do. So much actually that when I realized I only had 12 more days til Christmas, I decided to get my butt in gear……and write a parody to the 12 days of Christmas. Because writing a song is way more fun than doing most of that other stuff. Yes, I am the queen of procrastination. You’re welcome. If you know the tune….sing along! ūüėČ Happy Holidays!

santa

There are 12 days til Christmas and I can barely breathe!

I don’t have a Christmas tree!

There are 12 days til Christmas and I can barely breathe~

-My cards need addressing

~And I don’t have a Christmas tree!

There are 12 days til Christmas and I can barely breathe~

-I’ve got to order presents

~My cards need addressing

~And I still don’t  have a tree!

There are 12 days til Christmas and  I can barely breathe~

-Buy teacher gifts

~I’ve got to order presents

~My cards need addressing

~And I still don’t have a tree!

There are 12 days til Christmas and  I can barely breathe~

~CREATE CHRISTMAS MAGIC

~ Buy teacher gifts

~I’ve got to order presents

~Someone print me labels

~And I may just get a fake tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and I can barely breathe!

~ I need holiday sweaters,

~CREATE CHRISTMAS MAGIC

~Buy teacher gifts

~I’ve got to order presents

~Someone print me labels

~And it’s terrible I don’t have a tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and I still can’t breathe!

~I forgot to adopt a family

~ Where’s a stupid sweater

~CREATE CHRISTMAS MAGIC!

~Buy teacher gifts

~I’ve got to order presents

~The cards will be new year’s

~And I may just get a fake tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and I can barely breathe!

~The kids need to meet Santa

~ I forgot to adopt a family

~I despise Christmas sweaters

~THAT ELF FORGETS TO MOVE

~The teachers can have gift cards

~I’m screwed with the presents

~The cards will be for New Year’s

~And I’ll pay someone to deliver a tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and I am hyperventilating!

~Order Christmas dinner

~The kids must meet santa

~ I forgot to adopt a family

~ Forget the sweater party

~ OH THAT CHRISTMAS MAGIC

~The teachers can have gift cards

~Argh the presents

~The cards will be for new years

~And I’ll get that tree if it kills me.

There are 12 days til Christmas~ my heads between my knees!

~Does Amazon do wrapping?

~Why am I hosting dinner?

~The Santa line’s a nightmare

~ I forgot to adopt a family

~We don’t wear sweaters in LA

~WHY’D I BUY THIS ELF?

~The teachers can have gift cards

~I’ve got to order presents

~Again with the cards

~and I really just need a Christmas tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and I think I may pass out!

~Batteries aren’t included,

~Gifts can be in bags,

~I will just order precooked

~The kids can email Santa

~I feel bad about the family

~Enough with the sweaters

~WHERE’S MY CHRISTMAS MAGIC?

~Teachers like coffee

~Is it too late to order presents?

~No one is getting cards

~ But I’ll definitely get that damn tree.

There are 12 days til Christmas and my true love said to me:

~Just enjoy the meaning,

~Batteries can be purchased,

~Dinner will be fine,

~The kids should go see Santa,

~Give to Salvation Army,

~YOU HAVE CHRISTMAS MAGIC,

~Gift card for the teachers

~Amazon Prime will save you

~I’ll address the cards,

and let’s go get the Christmas tree!

Forget Stranger Danger- I’m scared of the Good Samaritans!

marge jail

The situation is out of control. Did you read the story about the mom who was arrested because her daughter was at the park alone? Cliff notes:

Mom works at McDonald’s. 9 year old kid sits at Mcdonald’s while mom works. Kid begs mom to go to the park nearby. Mom gives kid a cell phone. Kid goes to park. “Good Samaritan” sees kid alone and calls the cops. Mom gets arrested. ¬†Kid goes into foster care.¬†And they all live happily…wait, nope that’s not right.

Or what about the parents who were investigated for allowing their daughter to walk to the post office? These are just two examples out of many.

Are we so far removed from the days when kids left on their bikes in the morning and didn’t come home til the streetlamps came on that we call the cops on parents before knowing the full story?¬† Most of these stories are not about neglected children. The kids are well taken care of, given a cell phone and allowed to head to a neighborhood park for an hour or two.

Listen, I don’t know if I would trust my 9 yr old to go to the park alone, but not because of stranger danger. I would worry about the other people at the park….and the park itself. My 9 yr old is a bit mischievous.

kid on big wheel edit

I don’t know the kids in these stories. I don’t know the parents. I also don’t know the area in which they were “left.” All of those things are factors in how I would handle the situation. What I do know is that kids from the 70’s and 80’s were left to their own devices ALL DAY and we not only survived; we thrived.¬† We had street smarts. We gained self confidence and independence. We knew how to entertain ourselves.¬† And yes, we also all have a story or two about the “strange man down the street.”

mr burns

I worry that the kids today, my kids, are too supervised, too protected, and don’t get the opportunity to explore and¬†use their instincts.¬† I’m trying to find a balance.¬† I don’t want fear to raise my kids. And now while I’m attempting to find that balance, I have to worry about police showing up at my door.

police edit

¬†Is it more dangerous today than when I was growing up?¬† It seems all the 24/7 “bad news” is having quite an impact on us but is the threat real? I don’t think so. I think now we are so afraid of the 10% chance that we forget to focus on the 90% chance that it won’t happen.

Like I said, I’m working on a balance. I’m going to squash that lump in my throat when I say yes, you can walk to the neighbor’s house without me watching you. I’m not going to sit out front when I agree to let the kids play in their own front yard. Hell, I may even get crazy and let them ride their bike around the block by themselves! Try not to judge me too harshly.

And¬†if you happen to see my kid, alone¬†but happy,¬†please don’t call the cops.¬†(Unless¬†that cop¬†comes to my house with his own boombox.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you want to have a cocktail?

I made a video. Just for fun. It’s about connection. It’s about mothers helping other mothers.¬†¬†It’s also about drinking. But mostly its about the human need for social interaction and the isolation stay at home moms sometimes feel. And drinking.

Take a look.

Enjoy it.

Share it.

Let’s talk about sex, baby…

 sex-written-on-blackboard

And by baby I am referring to my actual baby. She is 11.  I think she read somewhere that she is supposed to ask sexual questions every night at bedtime.  Mother daughter bonding or something.

So it starts with ..”Mom, ¬†will you sit with me for a minute?” I’m not gonna lie…most of the time I really want to say no. I mean it’s 9:30pm and I’m ready for some deep conversations with my wine glass. ūüėČ But I sit down anyway and take a deep breath.

“Mom, where else do people have sex besides the bed?”

“Mom, do you have sex in the shower?”

“Mom, do you have a baby every time you have sex?”

“Mom, are your boobs part of your body or will they fall off when you bend over?”

What? That last one I feel like was just a stall tactic to keep me in her room longer. ¬†But I answer every question. She’s 11 and these are things she wants to know. ¬†And those questions seemed pretty tame. I want my kids to feel comfortable talking to me….even if I don’t feel comfortable talking with them. lol

I do have boundaries though. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but it bothers me to see so much sexual content out and about in public places. ¬†This isn’t about putting parental controls on my tv or internet. These are things we see in our neighborhood. I wish advertisers considered themselves part of that village that it takes to raise a child.

If I had a dollar for every time I saw sex written or overly insinuated on billboards etc while driving my kids to school…I’d have at least $10. (That didn’t have the impact I had hoped for,¬†but 10 times on a 10 minute drive, that’s ridiculous.)

When my 9 year old said he knew the movie Sex Tape was about having sex, I asked him how he even knew about sex..his response, “Mom, when you have been around as long as I have, you start to know things.” ¬†Out of the mouths of babes.

He didn‚Äôt need to know about sex just yet. And he certainly didn‚Äôt need to know that people video tape it. That‚Äôs for later, when he is married and trying to ‚Äúkeep the fire alive.‚ÄĚ ¬†Luckily, he did not ask a question so I did not go further with that particular ¬†conversation.¬†

BulletDodge

Kids see sex without even trying. What happened to the good old days where you had to see sexy things by sneaking into your friend’s parents room and look under the bed to find a Playboy or convince a babysitter that you were allowed to watch Blue Lagoon on HBO while your parents were out. ¬†(yes dated references, but you knew them, didn’t you?)

image

Some parents like to get started early. I know people who lay it all out there when their children are 6 and 7.  I wonder if that works. Some of it is still a bit confusing at 43, so how is a child processing that?

Recently the term 69 was brought up with a few 5th graders. Some parents are of the philosophy that when a question is asked, you answer it completely, no holds barred.

I am of the philosophy that you pretend that someone is calling you and you have to go.

No, not really. ¬†My philosophy is that you give an answer that best fits the age group. ¬†There are some images a kid brain does not need to have. It‚Äôs a sex thing and leave it at that. ¬†When I was 10, 69 was just another odd number. Besides, I don’t care what you say about keeping it in the family. ¬†That kid has some interesting information and she wants to share it. And share it she did.¬†

I don‚Äôt want to have lots of graphic sex conversations with my elementary school aged children. (Truth be told, any age children.) ‚ÄúHey kids, forget the movie night, mommy is going to pop some popcorn and we can all settle in for a night of explicit discussions regarding sexual¬†positions and why people video them.‚ÄĚ

child_eating_popcorn

And for the record, I am by no means a prude. As a matter of fact, within my circle of friends, I‚Äôm the girl that makes everything seem like a sexual innuendo. It’s my thing and I’m good with it. (That‚Äôs what he said!)

I don‚Äôt mind answering questions, but I am more prepared for PG than R. I just feel like some of the questions that come up now aren’t because their brains are ready for it, but because they were exposed to it accidently. ¬†In those situations, less is more. ¬†Anywho, I was just sitting here thinking¬†about all this and thought I’d share.

Feel free to do the same. xo

 

 

 

Just the tip!

Let’s play a game. ūüėČ Why are you looking at me like that? Have you heard of it? Well, let me tell you how it works.

I will give you a tip and then you give me a tip. It will be fun! But it’s not a game you can play alone. So are you in? Come on…it’s just a tip. I will only love you more.

I’ll start and give you a few I’ve heard lately.

tips

1. Keep flossers in your car. Then when you are driving kids around town, you can pass them out and make them floss! (It also comes in handy when you had spinach for lunch!)

flosser

2. Kid always rolling out of bed? Line up a pool noodle with the edge of the bed and under the fitted sheet!

pool noodle

3. Want apples for your kid’s lunch, but hate the browning? Cut the apple and then put it back together with a rubberband!

apple

4. Crazy coughing at night? Put Vick’s Vapor Rub on their feet, cover with socks….¬†a little more on the chest and they are off to Dreamland… uninterrupted!

feet

5. Easily peel your banana! Find the end of the banana opposite from the stem. Pinch and twist. Then you can peel your banana and uh take a bite!

banana-peeling3

Ok! It’s your turn! Leave a tip! Don’t be scared.

It’s just a tip.

Oh shit. Another Valentine’s Day post.

V Day EDIT

There are so many posts about Valentine’s Day today. Most are very black and white. HOW TO HAVE THE MOST AH~MAZING VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE…or

F@#k you, Valentine’s Day.

Some of them talk about how you need to love yourself on Valentine’s Day….not in a sexual way,¬†wait, actually I’m not sure.¬†Maybe it is.

As a mom of 3¬†in elementary school,¬†romance is not my first thought. Instead, I think- crap. I have to buy chocolates and more stuffed animals or support ipad habits with¬†gift cards or new games. ¬†I have to get cards for the class, and they need to be unique and funny.¬† Some of my friends actually make class Valentine’s cards with¬†witty little phrases on them…or homemade¬†treats if you can believe it!¬†I know.¬†Bitches.

marshmellow lollipop edit

This year I did order some cards online. They were¬†Valentine Madlibs. I was pretty proud of myself. But no candy.¬†There wasn’t a spot for it and it’s a big enough battle to get my kids’ to write their own damn names on the cards, much less tape some candy to it! This has gotten me many disapproving looks from friends. Ironically my kids didn’t say one thing about not having any candy for their friends. ¬†I saw kids walking into school this morning with flowers, ribbons, fancy teacher gifts. Shit. I forgot about the teachers.

I did not forget about my husband. I got him a card and a box of chocolates. forrest-gump1

But the morning was hectic and we didn’t have any kind of a “moment.” I would love an ah~mazing Valentine’s Day…with romance and sexy bed hair.¬†But¬†honestly…I’m tired.

What about you?

Pretty Little Liars

I was awoken¬†one recent¬†Saturday morning by a 7 year old boy in tiny underwear.¬† “Mom, ¬†I have an upset tummy. I saved it for you if you want to see.” ¬†Not on the weekend buddy. Never on a weekend.

You may be asking “What the hell? Gross.” Let me explain. My kids lie. They lie to get out of going to school. They lie to get out of trouble. They lie for fun. ¬†It’s a problem. So much so that I must have a “visual” if anyone is claiming to be sick.

Ferris Bueller's fake out

It’s been a problem since the kids were very young. When my daughter was 3, she bit herself and then blamed her 1 year old brother. ¬†When my son was 5, he carved his name in my husband’s leather chair and said¬†he didn’t.¬†Hey, I said they were good liars, not geniuses.

hayden chair

The lies can be creative, detailed and unneccesary: “I brought a pet Lizard back from Mexico. I hid him in my backpack on the plane. His name is Fred and he likes to roam the house free.”

Or conniving: “Mom, I just found some extra Christmas money! (It’s July) So I’m going to buy some apps. It’s my money, so it’s my choice.”

Is this a phase? Am I kidding myself thinking they will grow out of this? Does a phase last 3,4,6 years?   Will my kids become con artists?  A dirty rotten scoundrel?  Either boy could play a great Ruprecht.

dirty rotten scoundrel

Time will tell. I guess for now, I will¬† insist on “visuals” when sick, require 2 forms of proof when hearing any story and¬†ask very specific questions regarding showers: Did you wash your hair? Your armpits?¬†Did actual soap touch your skin?

Maybe they will channel all that creativity into something profitable…and honest. In the words of Justin Bieber…(yes I see the irony)¬†NEVER SAY NEVER.

never say never

Who else has pretty little liars?

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Word to your mother

There are certain words I don’t like to hear people say¬†…..like pantyhose and moist. (even worse when they are in the same sentence) And then there are words that I don’t like¬†to hear¬†from my children. Like shut up,¬†butt, fart, and suck. I say two of those words myself (maybe 3), but an adult mouth is different than a kid mouth. Right?

My kids are good kids. They are polite and respectful (not to me of course…..¬†but others tell me it’s true.) So who cares if a few iffy words are said?¬†I do! ¬†IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!¬†I have tried to ban them, but like Mike, my “bad boy” boyfriend¬†from 8th grade¬†—- banning only¬†makes it¬†more appealing.

  joe dirt 4 edit   colin ferrell kiss

When I was growing up, we were not allowed to say butt or crap. I can’t really remember what happened to us if we said it but I remember that it was bad. Good kids had clean mouths. lol Or maybe I should say bad kids had clean mouths because they were constantly washed out with soap.¬† Ironic Disclaimer: My mom now takes great joy in saying words considered far worse than butt.

profanity

That’s it, isn’t it?¬† Taboo things are fun.¬† Maybe my kids get the same euphoria and power from butt and suck that I do with my own 4 letter friends. I don’t know.

Crap.  How will this tie into underage drinking and sex? Parenting through the teenage years is going to suck. Suck ass. (Shut up.)

Deck the halls with shit from Rite Aid…fa la la la la la la la la

Every year I tell myself that I am not going to go overboard with the kids’ Christmas presents. And every Christmas Eve I panic because¬†I think I didn’t¬†allow Santa to bring¬†enough. So¬†then I run to Rite Aid (because it’s close and still open) and buy a bunch of crap that was “As Seen On TV.”¬† Why? Because I want the kids to have that initial reaction of, “oh my goodness look at all the stuff!” All that¬†stuff is just for show. No one asked for it and no one plays with it after Christmas…mostly because the shit breaks after one use, but also because they could care less. This year I have started the same ritual.¬†Santa and I had a talk and¬†he is granting¬†my 3¬†their wish¬†for Electric Scooters.¬†¬†But that one scooter does not fill up their Christmas chair. (Each kid has a spot in the living room where they have their stocking and Santa gifts.)¬† I can already see the writing on the wall. A Chillow is in everyone’s future.

christmas chair edit

(This is not the real Christmas chair.)

¬†But no one wants the Chillow! It’s just me! Me—> feeling guilty for not having more stuff in the Christmas chair. Me—-> encouraging the belief that presents are the reason for the season not baby Jesus in a diaper, not the spirit of giving, not spending quality time with family while singing Christmas carols and roasting chestnuts.

Dog in a manger edit

Now as I type this I am already anticipating the comments. Not real comments because I don’t get many of those. ūüėČ But thoughts. Thoughts like:

“Wow, she is one selfish bitch. I can’t believe she is posting about what her privileged children will be getting from Rite Aid on Christmas.”

“I don’t know what she is complaining about,¬†a Rite Aid Christmas sounds great.”¬†¬†

“The only thing on my Christmas list is a¬†Chillow.”

I understand that but for now, I’m not talking about that. We participate in the toy drives and adopt needy families. I’m talking about on Christmas day when the kids come down the stairs in anticipation of their own Christmas magic.¬† At that moment, they are just little kids who have been (semi) good all year in the hopes that Santa would reward them for their kind and generous nature. I don’t want them to be disappointed. I want them to be elated and amazed at their own good fortune. Hopefully an electric scooter, the Christmas story, and some hot chocolate will do the trick. But I’ll probably get the¬†Chillow to be safe.

images

I Can’t Rage Against the Machine

As I sit here on day 5 of a 7 day school break, I start to ask myself certain questions. Like- Is it wrong to drink before noon if you’ve been cooped up with kids for 5 days? Am I a bad mom if I stop fighting the electronic obsession that all 3 of my kids have? How many days can the kids go without bathing before it is considered neglect? So many questions. But let’s get back to the electronics one. Seriously. Obsession does not even come close to the right word. Addiction.

drugs of choice

My kid starts jonesing as soon as his eyes open. I can find him under his sheets pretty much every morning mesmerized by the creative world he has built in Minecraft.

haydenbed

All three of my kids are Animal Jam junkies, but it’s National Geographic so it’s ok, right? Remember when the kids were babies and you would put them in front of Baby Einstein videos and think- this is good because it’s educational. Then you’d read all the backlash of how it causes ADD or some shit like that? I just wanted to take a shower and now I’ve given my kid ADD. Cue the mom guilt.

syd watching einstein edit

But seriously- was it that bad? Are there redeeming qualities to playing these games? My kids are interacting with each other (“Meet me at Mount Shiver…Hey check out my den.”) It’s more than parallel play. They are creating things. Minecraft is a game about survival. You have to make shelter, find food, kill zombies (of course.) They talk about it constantly. Strategizing and sharing.

kidselectronics

“The War Room”

I can remember being obsessed with Super Mario Bros on Nintendo. The old school shit, yo. I’d skip my last class (study hall~ that explains a few things) to run home and play Zelda too.

supermariobrosedit

In 4th-7th grade I’d spend my weekends at the skating rink and work for the high score on Frogger AND Donkey Kong AND Ms. Pacman. (Am I dating myself here? Damn.) PS- I lived in a small town in Mississippi- the skating rink and neighboring video/hamburger joint was the social scene. Don’t judge me.

hiscore-pacnpaledit

My kids get plenty of exercise. They have outside interests. They are social. I’m sure there is a ton¬†of research on all of this, but let’s be honest; I’m not going to go look for it. Ain’t nobody got time for research unless it is posted on Facebook. I did find this though.

littlegamer

“research”

I¬†try to limit my kids’ electronics. Lord knows it is my go to disciplinary action. And on long Thanksgiving breaks when little people are under foot 24/7…it is a nice way to get some peace and quiet. Until of course they are screaming at each other “You stole my food! You killed me on purpose. Nobody is coming to my den!” Then it’s time to shut it down and kick them outside- even if it’s raining.

Until then though, I’ll believe that all this addiction to technology and electronics can have some positive impact. I’ll¬†enjoy this time and text some people, update my Facebook, and send out some tweets. ūüėČ