About Whitney

I am a Southern drama queen with three teens, two dogs and one very patient husband. I want to have fun in my daily life and not sweat the small stuff.

mom guilt

Posted on November 12, 2013 by Whitney

I yelled at my kids right before dropping them at school. I forgot to send them with jackets. I bought lunchables instead of making nutritious all organic lunches. I said “because I said so” instead of taking the time to explain my reasoning for saying no to yet another sleep over. I didn’t stay long enough at the skate park. I didn’t take them to the skate park. I said the skate park was closed.

Mom guilt.

It starts early. You let your baby cry in her bed while you finally take a shower after a 10 day hiatus. You called him a fat ass when he wouldn’t stop crying in the middle of the night. (Only to your husband who didn’t even hear it because he slept through the crying, but you still feel awful.) You fed her store bought baby food instead of mashing up organic avocados and bananas. Mom guilt!

It sucks.

Every mom I know suffers from some sort of mom guilt. We have been conditioned to think that every single thing we do or don’t do can impact our child’s very soul. I stressed because I didn’t carve pumpkins this year, and I definitely didn’t roast any damn pumpkin seeds. I don’t bake or cook really. I don’t enjoy the park. I hate reading with my kids.

Shit. My kids are screwed. (and while I’m confessing…I didn’t breastfeed. Oh shit. Double D screwed!!)

Except that I do other things. Maybe it’s not the traditional way of bonding, but dance parties, and super awesome indoor tents are something, right? You have to know who you are and be that person. I don’t use the oven much but I’m not stingy when it comes to hugs and kisses and praise. I can create an impromptu musical with my kids about homework. “Every day this week, we try to geeeeet our work done. Geeeet our work done….” Chorus line…Anyone?Anyone?

I heard a great Ted talk the other day from Brene Brown and she said:

” Our job as parents is to make our children feel worthy of love and belonging.”

Did you read that? It did not say our job as parents is to sit on the floor playing hours of barbies/legos/petshop. It did not say it is our job as parents to take them to all three Chipmunk movies the day they open. Good parenting doesn’t mean baking from scratch! And Lunchables were never mentioned!

I actually googled Brene Brown after watching this. Apparently she is a big wig in the self help community. I’m surprised I didn’t know her sooner since that’s where you will find me in any bookstore. She has a great book: The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting. I haven’t read it but I did read the synopsis. Hey, that counts. Plus, did you read the title? Hello!Basically she says we have to embrace our imperfections. It shows our kids that it’s ok. We need to be who we really are. For me that means, I’m not a baker, a butcher or a candlestick maker. It’s exhausting to keep up the charade anyway. I am pretty sure I’m not fooling anyone. It’s ok that I don’t bake cookies from scratch! It’s ok if I give a little processed meat. It’s ok if I don’t want to hear my daughter sing “Rolling in the Deep” for the one millionth time.

We all have our own ways of making our children feel worthy of love and belonging. It doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. And it will never be perfect. Stop feeling guilty. In the words of Barbara Streisand and Barry Gibb: You’ve got nothing to be guilty of….”

Protect the children from balls…and similar safety messages.

Posted on October 13, 2013 by Whitney

So a middle school in New York has banned all balls from the playground and say tag and cartwheels must be supervised by a coach. It’s just too dangerous. All I can say is it’s about damn time!! Finally someone has identified the dangers of ball play. I mean, did we learn nothing from Marsha Brady?

And that was in the comfort of her own backyard! Who knows what could happen if groups of children in large grassy areas are left alone with balls! I pray that other schools follow suite.

As for cartwheels, of course helmets are a good idea. Don’t be stupid.

All children under the age of 18 should be required to wear a helmet everywhere. There are too many things that could cause damage. Wrap those kids up in bubble wrap every time they leave the house. It is the safe thing to do! Be responsible parents!

Seriously, we need to keep an eye on our children at all times, arm them with protective gear (literally not figuratively, of course) in every situation. For God’s sake, do not let them do things for themselves. At least until they are 18 and go away to college. And by “go away” I mean, move to the basement and take classes at the local community college. I’m sure they can take classes in things like :

Street Smarts ~ Indigestion or Instinct? ~ How to handle yourself without your helmet~ I’m ok, you’re ok (even if we don’t get a trophy)

Our parents were idiots. We had too much freedom. Too much independence. Too many real life experiences that led to making choices and trusting our instincts. I mean, I rode my bike to school! I played in the neighborhood with friends and no parent supervision! Cartwheels WITHOUT HELMETS!!! I am lucky to be alive. And so are you. And you. And you. And you.

It’s time parents understood that it is our job to overparent…I mean, protect our children from everything we possibly can.

Self esteem, instincts, independence……they can get that later, when we’re dead.

I mean, what’s the alternative? Let children learn things through living? Teach them how to be aware and make good choices? Not on my watch, no sir!

You’re gonna catch me Ridin’ Dirty….

Posted on October 3, 2013 by Whitney

Literally.

My house is messy, but my car looks like a crazy person lives in it. Why does this surprise me? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you are transporting kids, dogs, neighbors, neighbors’ kids, sports equipment etc, then things are gonna get dirrrr~tay.

lego pieces, books, bits of food…is that a pair of underwear?

The bigger question is why the hell does it bother me so much? I tried to change my dirty ways.

I made declarations!

I put my foot down!

But nothing changed. That’s when I realized I’m going about this all wrong!

Cue positive spin:

Food keeps mouths and hands busy and off of others. Legos and other toys keep their brains engaged so I don’t have to hear, “How much longer, Mommy?” Time is limited and I already wash 3 kids and 2 dogs. You can see where I’m going with this can’t you?

Ridin’ Dirty is the key to happiness!

Maybe you are thinking, give me a break. How hard is it to get to the car wash? Or bring a hand vacuum out to the car? It’s hard, damnit! You might be one of those people who also gets their nails done every week. Oh, I want to be like you! I wish I could be perfectly manicured, hair coiffed (do people still get coiffed?), car washed every Saturday. But I’m not. I’m the other guy. The one that looks like this:

So I am going to stop stressing about it. I will embrace my mess and call it enlightenment!

Life is messy! Time is short and I want to have coffee with friends instead of coffee at the car wash! When I look down and see that lego figure lying on top of a few crumbled goldfish, I’m going to have a new perspective…..I’m totally down with ridin’ dirty. Now I just need to work on a spin for not doing laundry! 😉

“They see me rollin’, They hatin’,
Patrolling~ they tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty,
Tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty,
Tryin to catch me ridin’ dirty!”

Can you embrace the mess?

My Balls

Posted on September 7, 2013 by Whitney

Balls. They can be scary. I never think I’m handling them the right way. It’s hard to know. Big ones. Small ones. I’m told to grab them but then I think some should be handled with care. I am no expert, but I definitely have balls.

My balls are labeled with names like: school, soccer practice, dinner, homework, career, relationships, the budget, dogs. What balls were you thinking of? Oh right. Those balls are another ball. Yep, lots and lots of balls.(Maybe you should drink every time you read the word balls!)

I’m rarely on the ball and I am constantly dropping the ball. They are rolling around on the ground by my feet, tripping me up. (Kind of reminds me of a song: “Do your balls hang low do they wobble to and fro…” Yes I know it’s actually ears.) Anyway, back to my balls. How do I get a good handle on all these balls? (You are drinking, right?)

I could set up a schedule! The red balls are juggled on Monday and the green balls are Tuesday…I will save the blue balls for Friday night. 😉

I could give my attention to one ball at a time! Be fully present with whatever ball I have at that moment. Juggle one. (But isn’t that just holding the ball?)

Or maybe I just keep doing what I’m doing and watch my step. No one has broken their neck, YET.

Whatever I decide, one thing is for sure:

No one can ever say I don’t have balls.

And my own personal balls should be a priority.

(Yes, I realize that’s actually 2 things.)

Because if momma’s balls aren’t happy, ain’t no balls happy.

What about you? What do you do with all those balls?

Do you make time for your own balls? (Who’s drunk?)

Look! Sports! Funny!

Posted on August 26, 2013 by Whitney

(Ok I lied. But I want men to read this.)

I’m jumping on the band wagon. We’ve all gotten the posts lately about what your sons and daughters should know. Well, my husband knows a few things so I thought I’d share them with you. So guys- here’s what you need to know about your wife.

#1. We like sex.

(I know it’s a shock…I even heard a few of you women gasp, but it’s true.) We want to have our world rocked. We just may need to be reminded. Let me put it in simpler terms….

Men are like microwaves, women are like slow cookers.

Turn us on low in the morning and let it simmer all day.

~Tell us we’re pretty~ Bring us coffee ~Kiss us FOR REAL~Send us a flirty afternoon text ~

Make us feel like we are the only person that can quench your hot dirty desire . Yes, I read Twilight and 50 Shades. We might not want our blood sucked or to use a safe word, but we all want to be desired! (And if you play the “I must have you right this very minute because you are so freaking sexy” card, then that slowcooker becomes a microwave pretty darn quick.)

#2: We need validation!

Oh yeah, validate us, baby. Punch that card! Punch it with a “I couldn’t do this without you” or “I appreciate what you do.” It will go along way. You might even get some “free parking” …if you know what I mean. 😉

#3. Change the oil.

This is not a metaphor. We really want you to get the oil changed in the car. Or get the car washed. Or fill us up (again not a metaphor.) The car is where we spend most of our time ~driving your offspring (or your dry cleaning) around. It’s such a bummer when we have to worry our pretty little heads about car maintenance.

#4. It’s the “ask” that counts.

Here’s a little secret, fellas. All you have to do is ask if we need help. 9 times out of 10 we will say no thanks, but the effort was made and you get points. Score! We want your willingness to pitch in, and then most of the time, we still want to do it ourselves.

#5. Boom Goes the Dynamite.

This has nothing to do with your wife. I just feel guilty for the lie I told earlier.This is your funny sports clip.

Enjoy. http://youtu.be/5nnitLnqqVo

And one more for inspiration: http//youtu.be/LHXsFH7gHW8

What do you think? Yeah, you! Leave me a comment. 🙂

A lesson from Young MC

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Whitney

You know him right? The one hit wonder rapper from 1989~ish.

His voice is haunting me.

(Yes I know what the song is about, but don’t you take lyrics and apply them to your life all the time? You do. Don’t you?) So here’s the deal:

My kids are creative. They are imaginative. They are exhausting.

If I said yes to half the things my kids asked me to do, we’d never sit down. So I say no and leave the room. And then the words of the prolyphic Young MC come to mind…

Just Bust A Move, Whitney.

“From frustration first inclination is to become a monk and leave the situation.”

Damn straight I want to leave the situation. Hey MC, you are young and don’t have kids. I’m tired and their ideas are elaborate or loud or messy or include me or (gasp) all of the above! I don’t want to bust a move. So of course the kids “get shot down cause <their> overzealous.”

“A girl runs up with somethin to prove, So don’t just stand there, bust a move”

Shut up, MC! I’m trying to read my Facebook newsfeed. Ain’t nobody got time for a bake sale. But he won’t shut up, it’s like an earworm. Come on Whitney, just bust a move. Ugh. Damn. I think of the experience they will get from the yes. I don’t do it all the time but I do try to say maybe instead of no…that gives me some time to think about it.

“You run over there without a second to lose, And what comes next, hey bust a move.”

So the no becomes a maybe…. that many times turns into a yes. My laziness shouldn’t be the reason to not do something. Besides, I gotta get Young MC off my back.

Mom, may we have a car party? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

Mom, may we have ice cream for lunch?Yes! Let’s bust a move!

Can we make an obstacle course in the garage? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

Can we get our pets and our friends and their pets and have a pet parade through the neighborhood? Umm no. What? I’m not Mother Teresa.

So my friends…..

Now you know what to do, go, bust a move!

Don’t say no too quickly. Say maybe. (Unless they ask for a pet parade and then it is totally acceptable to say no.) A maybe that possibly turns into a yes. Because when I think back, the yes made a pretty good memory. xoxoxo

Young MC not doing it for you? Allow Brian Williams to inspire you.

http://youtu.be/vwc9_nqX6Zc

My tooth fairy sucks!

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Whitney

I’d like to fire her but it seems it is impossible to fire a tooth fairy. Their employment agreements are iron clad. But this is getting ridiculous. My poor third child has gotten the shaft more than once. I’d say 7 out of 10 times, the tooth fairy has not shown on the first night.

How could anyone forget this little guy?

Oh sure, she has all kinds of excuses.

My navigation system was on the fritz.

I didn’t get the message.

My wings are broken.

I had to help a friend move.

But my 7 year old is getting tired of hearing these excuses and is starting to question the tooth fairy’s work ethic!

She is very apologetic but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I mean, if she could see the disappointment on my little guy’s face when his tooth is still sitting under his pillow, she would never be late again!

Maybe.

Listen, I get it. The tooth fairy is swamped. She has to run all over God’s green earth, dodging parents, pets, pigs…(I saw Tooth Fairy 2.) and with the new series Orange is the New Black, time can get away from her.

I can forgive once, maybe twice…but 7 out of 10 times??? Maybe her morale is low. Maybe she wants to get out of the tooth business and become a model/actress. I’m not sure what is happening here but she needs to get her head back in the game. We have a few more teeth to go.

Plus, the markup on these forgotten teeth is really starting to hurt the budget.

Thank goodness $5 can fix most 7 year old problems.

Help! I’m trapped in a minivan!

Posted on August 5, 2013 by Whitney

And I mean literally. Those sliding doors! While borrowing my friend’s minivan for the week, I realized that there is an art to opening those things. I never mastered it. It took me a good 5 minutes of pushing buttons and lots of screaming before my children were released from their backseat prison.

But really what did I expect? The car has the word “van” in the title. Generally speaking, if there is a van involved, an escape plan should be devised.

(Exhibit A)

I don’t quite “get” the minivan. If I’m going to spend most of my day in something, I want to look good in it! Let’s face it, the minivan does not scream style. Ok, maybe the minivan delivers more room than my SUV, but not by much. Besides, I don’t really want to be the car that can fit 5 kids and 5 bikes in the back. Not having space is actually an easy way to get out of more carpool duties!

Bottom line: Many things in my life scream “MOM”……

(Exhibit B)

I’d rather not have my car scream it too. Especially when all my little mom indicators have been dropped off somewhere and I’m wearing lipstick!

So I’ll go back to my SUV with the doors I can open myself. Happily accepting the looks of admiration I get when I am pretending to be just a girl around town.

(Exhibit C)

No offense to you minivan moms out there. I can’t pull it off. I’m sure it looks great on you…..

It’s just this game I play….

Posted on July 29, 2013 by Whitney

Remember that game Perfection? The timer is ticking away and you must try to get all the different shapes into their perspective holes before the time runs out. If you don’t, all the pieces go flying into the air.

I am in a perpetual game of Perfection.

My kids are in various activities, I’ve got my own appointments around town, and I’m constantly trying to squeeze one more task into that 5 minutes between one thing and the next. It’s called multi tasking, people, and Oprah says all moms do it.

Example: I’ve got to drop kids at school by 7:45 and I have a doctor’s appointment across town at 9. Here’s where the game begins. I’ll bet I can grab a few things at the store before my appointment. (One more shape, one more hole!) I forget that I have to add time in for driving through LA traffic, as well as parking at both the grocery store and the doctor’s office. I always choose the longest slowest line in the checkout area and then have to wait for a price check on something personal…like tampons. You know the drill. An employee, let’s call him “Darryl,” slowly meanders over to grab the box, sizing me up the whole time. No Darryl, I don’t need them at this very moment. It’s for later. LATER, ok? (Am I the only woman still embarrassed to buy tampons? Why is that?)

Anyway, when my grocery shopping is done, I have to race home to put up said groceries before heading to the doctor’s office. It’s now 8:55 am and I am still a good 15 minutes away from where I need to be. Cue knot in stomach and crazy driving. Argh! I never learn the lesson. The feeling of pride and accomplishment I get from the few times I actually successfully squeeze in that “one more thing” far outweighs the million times I am unsuccessful and late.

Hey everyone! I dropped the kids at school, hit Target for another sundress (and tampons) AND made it for my pap smear! I did it! Do you hear me? I won! Perfection!

It is interesting that the game was named Perfection. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to be perfect? Probably. What a scam. But I’ll keep trying to beat the clock. Frantically attempting to fit all my errands and responsibilities into every time slot. Not a minute wasted. I can’t help myself. I want to win the game. I want PERFECTION. perfectionFF

Favorite car conversation 7/23/13

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Whitney

Meet Hayden. He is 8 years old.

Hayden: Mom, when we go to college, do we stay somewhere else?

Me: Yes. You live at school.

Hayden: Oh man. That sucks. We are away for a whole year?

Me: Don’t say sucks, Hayden. And you come home on weekends so I can do your laundry and feed you.

Hayden: Wait!!! You don’t get fed in college????!!

Carpool Confessions

A humorous take on life in the carpool line.

Author Archives: Whitney

About Whitney

mom guilt

Protect the children from balls…and similar safety messages.

You’re gonna catch me Ridin’ Dirty….

My Balls

Look! Sports! Funny!

A lesson from Young MC

My tooth fairy sucks!

Help! I’m trapped in a minivan!

It’s just this game I play….

Favorite car conversation 7/23/13

About Whitney

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