Tag Archives: humor

Look! Sports! Funny!

Posted on by
5

(Ok I lied. But I want men to read this.)

I’m jumping on the band wagon. We’ve all gotten the posts lately about what your sons and daughters should know. Well, my husband knows a few things so I thought I’d share them with you.  So guys- here’s what you need to know about your wife.

#1. We like sex.

(I know it’s a shock…I even heard a few of you women gasp, but it’s true.) We want to have our world rocked. We just may need to be reminded. Let me put it in simpler terms….

Men are like microwaves, women are like slow cookers. u-crockpot6_5q

Turn us on low in the morning and let it simmer all day.

~Tell us we’re pretty~ Bring us coffee ~Kiss us FOR REAL~Send us a flirty afternoon text ~

Make us feel like we are the only person that can quench your hot dirty desire . Yes, I read Twilight and 50 Shades. We might not want our blood sucked or to use a safe word, but we all want to be desired! (And if you play the “I must have you right this very minute because you are so freaking sexy” card, then that slowcooker becomes a microwave pretty darn quick.)

#2: We need validation!

WWS-Validate

Oh yeah, validate us, baby.  Punch that card! Punch it with a “I couldn’t do this without you” or  “I appreciate what you do.” It will go along way. You might even get some “free parking” …if you know what I mean. 😉

#3. Change the oil.

oil

This is not a metaphor. We really want you to get the oil changed in the car. Or get the car washed. Or fill us up (again not a metaphor.)  The car is where we spend most of our time ~driving your offspring (or your dry cleaning) around. It’s such a bummer when we have to worry our pretty little heads about car maintenance.

#4.  It’s the “ask” that counts.

napkin_justask

Here’s a little secret, fellas. All you have to do is ask if we need help. 9 times out of 10 we will say no thanks, but the effort was made and you get points. Score! We want your willingness to pitch in, and then most of the time, we still want to do it ourselves.

#5. Boom Goes the Dynamite.

This has nothing to do with your wife. I just feel guilty for the lie I told earlier.This is your funny sports clip.

Enjoy. http://youtu.be/5nnitLnqqVo

And one more for inspiration: http//youtu.be/LHXsFH7gHW8

What do you think? Yeah, you! Leave me a comment. 🙂

 

A lesson from Young MC

Posted on by
1

You know him right? The one hit wonder rapper from 1989~ish. young mc

His voice is haunting me.

(Yes I know what the song is about, but don’t you take lyrics and apply them to your life all the time? You do. Don’t you?) So here’s the deal:

My kids are creative. They are imaginative. They are exhausting. crazy kids

If I said yes to half the things my kids asked me to do, we’d never sit down. So I say no and leave the room. And then the words of the prolyphic Young MC come to mind…

Just Bust A Move, Whitney.

“From frustration first inclination is to become a monk and leave the situation.”

Damn straight I want to leave the situation. Hey MC, you are young and don’t have kids. I’m tired and their ideas are elaborate or loud or messy or include me or (gasp) all of the above! I don’t want to bust a move.  So of course the kids “get shot down cause <their> overzealous.”

“A girl runs up with somethin to prove, So don’t just stand there, bust a move”

Shut up, MC! I’m trying to read my Facebook newsfeed. Ain’t nobody got time for a bake sale. But he won’t shut up, it’s like an earworm. Come on Whitney, just bust a move.  Ugh. Damn.  I think of the experience they will get from the yes. I don’t do it all the time but I do try to say maybe instead of no…that gives me some time to think about it.

“You run over there without a second to lose, And what comes next, hey bust a move.”

So the no becomes a maybe…. that many times turns into a yes. My laziness shouldn’t be the reason to not do something. Besides, I gotta get Young MC off my back.

Mom, may we have a car party? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

!IMG_6494

Mom, may we have ice cream for lunch?Yes! Let’s bust a move!

kids2

Can we make an obstacle course in the garage? Yes! Let’s bust a move!

obstacle course

Can we get our pets and our friends and their pets and have a pet parade through the neighborhood? Umm no. What? I’m not Mother Teresa.

So my friends…..

Now you know what to do, go, bust a move!

Don’t say no too quickly. Say maybe. (Unless they ask for a pet parade and then it is totally acceptable to say no.) A maybe that possibly turns into a yes. Because when I think back, the yes made a pretty good memory. xoxoxo

Young MC not doing it for you? Allow Brian Williams to inspire you.

http://youtu.be/vwc9_nqX6Zc

Help! I’m trapped in a minivan!

Posted on by
Reply

And I mean literally. Those sliding doors! While borrowing my friend’s minivan for the week, I realized that there is an art to opening those things. I never mastered it. It took me a good 5 minutes of pushing buttons and lots of screaming before my children were released from their backseat prison.

image

But really what did I expect? The car has the word “van” in the title. Generally speaking, if there is a van involved, an escape plan should be devised.

image

(Exhibit A)

I don’t quite “get” the minivan.  If I’m going to spend most of my day in something, I want to look good in it!  Let’s face it, the minivan does not scream style. Ok, maybe the minivan delivers more room than my SUV, but not by much. Besides, I don’t really want to be the car that can fit 5 kids and 5 bikes in the back. Not having space is actually an easy way to get out of more carpool duties!

Bottom line: Many things in my life scream “MOM”……

image

(Exhibit B)

I’d rather not have my car scream it too.   Especially when all my little mom indicators have been dropped off somewhere and I’m wearing lipstick!

So I’ll go back to my SUV with the doors I can open myself.  Happily accepting the looks of admiration I get when I am pretending to be just a girl around town.

image

(Exhibit C)

No offense to you minivan moms out there. I can’t pull it off. I’m sure it looks great on you…..

It’s just this game I play….

Posted on by
Reply

Remember that game Perfection? The timer is ticking away and you must try to get all the different shapes into their perspective holes before the time runs out. If you don’t, all the pieces go flying into the air.

perfection box

I am in a perpetual game of Perfection.

My kids are in various activities, I’ve got my own appointments around town, and I’m constantly trying to squeeze one more task into that 5 minutes between one thing and the next. It’s called multi tasking, people, and Oprah says all moms do it.

Example: I’ve got to drop kids at school by 7:45 and I have a doctor’s appointment across town at 9. Here’s where the game begins. I’ll bet I can grab a few things at the store before my appointment. (One more shape, one more hole!) I forget that I have to add time in for driving through LA traffic, as well as parking at both the grocery store and the doctor’s office. I always choose the longest slowest line in the checkout area and then have to wait for a price check on something personal…like tampons.  You know the drill. An employee, let’s call him “Darryl,” slowly meanders over to grab the box, sizing me up the whole time. No Darryl, I don’t need them at this very moment. It’s for later. LATER, ok?  (Am I the only woman still embarrassed to buy tampons? Why is that?)

Anyway, when my grocery shopping is done, I have to race home to put up said groceries before heading to the doctor’s office. It’s now 8:55 am and I am still a good 15 minutes away from where I need to be.  Cue knot in stomach and crazy driving. Argh! I never learn the lesson. The feeling of pride and accomplishment I get from the few times I actually successfully squeeze in that “one more thing” far outweighs the million times I am unsuccessful and late.

Hey everyone! I dropped the kids at school, hit Target for another sundress (and tampons) AND made it for my pap smear! I did it! Do you hear me? I won! Perfection!

It is interesting that the game was named Perfection.  Is that what I’m doing? Trying to be perfect? Probably.  What a scam. But I’ll keep trying to beat the clock. Frantically attempting to fit all my errands and responsibilities into every time slot. Not a minute wasted.  I can’t help myself. I want to win the game. I want PERFECTION.   perfectionFF

Favorite car conversation 7/23/13

Posted on by
Reply

Meet Hayden. He is 8 years old.

Hayden: Mom, when we go to college, do we stay somewhere else?

Me: Yes. You live at school.

Hayden: Oh man. That sucks. We are away for a whole year?

Me: Don’t say sucks, Hayden. And you come home on weekends so I can do your laundry and feed you.

Hayden: Wait!!! You don’t get fed in college????!!